Marriage and Family Jokes

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Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A вееr please, and one for the road.”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
“Does this taste funny to you?”
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Always give 100% at work:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If women can have РМS, then why can't men have ESPN?
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.
Remember, half the people in the country are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"
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Желба The Wishing Well Το πηγάδι Marito e moglie stanno facendo un viaggio e si recano in un posto famoso per un pozzo dei desideri. Un marido y su mujer están paseando por el bosque y descubren un pozo de los deseos. El marido lanza una moneda y pide un deseo... cuando la mujer se estaba acercando, de pronto se cae!... - Vaya que bien!!!... esto funciona - dice el marido. A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband... Ein Ehepaar steht an einem Wunschbrunnen. Der Mann beugt sich über den Rand, wirft eine Münze ins Wasser und wünscht sich etwas. Dann beugt sich seine Frau vor, allerdings etwas zu weit. Sie fällt... Et ældre ægtepar kommer til en ønskebrønd. Manden kaster en 25-øre i og ønsker. Konen tager derefter også en 25-øre og skal til at kaste den i, men kommer til at læne sig for langt ud over kanten,... Um casal encontra um Poço dos Desejos. O homem se inclina na mureta e joga uma moeda. A mulher decide fazer o mesmo, mas se inclina demais e cai dentro do poço. O homem fica espantado e depois... Marito e moglie stanno osservando il pozzo dei desideri..lei si sporge troppo e cade e lui: "Perbacco, funziona!" Marito e moglie durante un tour in Inghilterra trovano una ameno villaggio che si vanta di possedere un pozzo dei desideri tra le attrazioni turistiche. Quasi per gioco raggiungono il pozzo ed il... Pewien turysta wraz z żoną oglądają słynną studnię życzeń w Kornwalii. Oboje pogrążeni we własnych myślach. Po chwili żona wychyliła się, aby zajrzeć w głąb, straciła równowagę i wpadła do środka.... Семейство пътувало и видяло "Кладенец на желанията!" Жената се надвесила и паднала, а мъжът казал: - Я, те много бързо се сбъдват! Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked. Aš buvau pritrenktas, kai mano uošvė įkrito į norų šulinį. Niekada negalvojau, kad jie veikia! Per il decimo anniversario di matrimonio, una coppia decide di fare un viaggio in Germania e durante il loro percorso attraverso la Selva Nera, si imbattono in un'indicazione che segnala: "Pozzo... Een echtpaar staat bij een wensput. De man buigt zich voorover, werpt een euro in het water en doet een wens. Dan buigt de vrouw zich voorover, maar iets te ver en ze valt in de put. De man kijkt... Moglie al marito: "Guarda un pozzo dei desideri! Andiamo a vedere" Si avvicinano per guardare e.. lei inciampa e cade giù Lui. "caxo, funziona!"
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