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Masturbation jokes

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I was invited to a Formal Party
‘Black tie only’ was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
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I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”
I said, “Okay, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ‘ Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’
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Jennifer Lawrence’s new boyfriend, Chris Martin, is furious over the leaked pictures, claiming Apple can no longer be trusted.
I feel you Chris, I don’t trust my 10 year old daughter either.
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My girlfriend revealed to me that she’s a huge fаn of The Spice Girls.
“Well, tonight is the night when two become one”, I winked,
“Aww, that’s really sweet”, she giggled,
“No, I mean I’m leaving you” I said.
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I’ve got a hot date with a girl tonight, but I hate using condoms.
My mate suggested pulling out at the last minute. So I did.
Shame. I was really looking forward to fuскing her.
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Girl - baby I’m wet.
Boy - want a paper towel?
Girl - no, I want more then that
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A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners.
Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.
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So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.
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I said to the waiter at the restaurant, “Cheese sandwich, toasted please”.
A few minutes later he came back with an ordinary sandwich, picked up my glass of wine in the air and said:
“Here’s to your cheese sandwich”.
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The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights……
“I love you!” She said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and giving me the most amazing вlоw job ever…..
Which is really odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before!..
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‘Start Windows Normally’?
No thanks, I’d like to start it spastically please, you know, flashing lights, crazy monkeys, the whole shabang…
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My wife told me that she’d always wanted to ride a horse.
Judging by the size of her fаnny, I thought she already had.
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I was at dinner and I was asked if I would pass the sweetcorn,
“Yes, ” I said, “probably in my next shiт. ”
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I tried to share a bag of сhiрs with a homeless person on the street. …
He told me to fuск off and buy my own.
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Today, I walked into a restaurant.
“Hi, is my table ready?”
“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”
“No, that’s okay.”
“Great, take these to table six then.”
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
My wife went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
My wife said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
My wife replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
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My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching роrn today and said, “Do you think I pay people to do that?”
“Probably,” I replied, “You’re not exactly the best looking bloke in the world.”
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“I’d like to check myself out,” I said to the receptionist at the hotel.
“Go ahead, there’s a mirror behind you,” she said.
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Today I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me. I’m a terrible lifeguard.
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