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George loves the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.
George was most interested to see what the Priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the Priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race.
George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The Priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!
George was elated.
As the day went on, the Priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
George placed his bet every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.
George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the Priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I’ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!!”
The Priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you
Protestants … you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”
I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who’s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fсuк your wife and daughter?”
“Вlооdy hеll! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said,
"Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said,
"This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie’s lamp … He rubs the lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes… when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman. …
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The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, lynched from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the ККК. …
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The boy, confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens… the genie comes out and says “sorry, I’m all out of wishes”.
The boy says, “OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday?”
The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man.
(This is an excerpt of one of George Carlin’s classic stand-up routines) … …
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When it comes to вullshiт, big-time, major league вullshiт, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. … No contest. … Religion. …
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Religion easily has the greatest вullshiт story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of TEN things he does NOT want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
But He loves you!
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good вullshiт story. Holy Shiт!
But He loves you!
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach! ”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be? ”
“Well, you can get вiggеr nets and catch more fish! ” was the businessman’s answer. “And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish! ”
“And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a вiggеr boat, and hire some people to work for you! ” he said. “And then what will my reward be? ” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you! ”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be? ” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world! ”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what the fсuк do you think I’m doing right now? “