Single People Joke

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

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The wife, whose husband has a collection of guitars, was before the judge after smashing every single one of them.
The judge ask s, "First offender?"
She replied, "No, your honor. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet ... nobody was ever married!
Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara.
In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunк!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

I answer personal ads. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But I think I'm the only one that answers them in the negative. Like, I'll call up and be like, 'Yeah, are you a single, white female, 29, who likes long walks on the beach, poetry and jazz? I'm not interested in that.'

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he’d get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the “еsсоrт” services. He picked a number and dialed it. A woman answered, “Hello?”
“Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sеx! In fact I want jungle sеx . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sеx! I’m talking кinкy, the whole night, you name it we’ll do it! Bring all kinds of sеx toys too! I don’t care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?” he asked. The woman said, “Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press “9” first.”

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Single People Jokes Hotel Jokes

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space… …
…
But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Single People Jokes

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely. She’s blond and beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her back yard from my kitchen window. She suntans back there and I always find a reason to do the dishes.
.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said,”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunк, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great” she said. ” Can you watch my dog?”

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Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Masturbation jokes Single People Jokes

The best thing about being single is sleeping around.
You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Single People Jokes

A young Pakistani goes to the store to buy a few things: a case of вееr and a bag of сhiрs. He goes to checkout and the lady cashier says "You must be single."
Paki asks her "You knew that from just what I'm buying?"
She replies "No, you're just really ugly."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Single People Jokes

As a single person, I think I can admit, sometimes, pickings can be pretty slim. But really, how much вееr would you have to drink before you date out of your own species? Call me old fashioned, but I cling to the belief that 'human' is an important dating criteria.

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Animal Jokes Single People Jokes

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after three hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had two Corvettes heading his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Single People Jokes

In the men’s room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it:
“Think!”
The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, “Thoap!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

“Father Michael!” I shouted to the elderly priest, “Father Michael! It’s good to see you again.”
“Hello Brian,” he responded by taking my outstretched hand. “It’s been a long time. I’m surprised you seem so pleased to see me… You know, after what happened the last time we were together.”
I sensed his apprehension. “It’s ok Father.. I don’t blame you for what happened.”
“I wish I could feel the same,” he said quietly. “I should have known better. I’m really sorry if it’s any consolation. I ask God for forgiveness every single night.”
“Seriously Father.. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It’s nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty.”
“Don’t,” I replied, “I was the silly fсuкеr who asked her to marry me.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Single People Jokes

(NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.

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Jokes about Women Single People Jokes

A desert locust can eat it’s own body weight in food in a single day.
The only other creature on the planet which is able to accomplish this feat is the American.

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Food Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Single People Jokes

I'm single now. And it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.

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Dirty jokes Single People Jokes

Just went to the supermarket and bought a loaf of bread and a cucumber. After serving me the cashier said, “your must be single”. I said “Yes I am, how could you tell?”, he then said “because you’re really ugly”.

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Single People Jokes

Male job interviewer:
"Last name?"
Attractive blonde interviewee:
"Pelling... P... E... L... L... I... N... G..."
Interviewer:
"Marital status ?"
Interviewee:
"Single, no kids."
Interviewer, after pausing to 'check her out', asks:
"Are you purposely miss-spelling?"

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

Got talking to a Chinese girl at Uni the other day, she was saying how almost every single piece of clothing she owns was hand-made by her own grandmother.
She didn’t laugh when I said that she’d probably made a fair few of mine too.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Single People Jokes

O ne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
“My wife,” the man replied.
“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.”
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”
“Can I borrow your dog?”
“Get in line.” replied the man.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes