Single People Joke

Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. “The terrier won't harm you,” said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT"
Soon after, the parrot started on Pet:
"I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, “so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?"
Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?"
That’s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!

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I saw a commercial the other day for a girdle. And you know what that is, right? That's deception, ladies. These are the same women that get mad when guys lie to them. 'I thought you were single.'
'I thought you were slim.'

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Single People Jokes

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. The man asked the woman, "What will you do if die?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she inquired, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Old People Jokes Single People Jokes

My girlfriend’s father wants her to marry a man of means. He said he would give me her hand in marriage if I can afford to burn ten thousand dollars as if it were nothing.
Without hesitation I wrote a check for ten grand and burnt it right before his eyes.
I’m still single.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

If you want to change the world, do it when you are single!
Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

Are all girls claustrophobic? It seems every single one freaks out when they're locked in the trunk of my car.

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Single People Jokes

Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”
Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”
Sardar says - “Baljith Singh Married”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Single People Jokes

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

Do I get a little jealous when my single friends come to me with wild stories about exotic nights with strippers? Sure, but at the same time look at all these model ships I've been able to build.

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Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes

I’ve just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my реnis.
Guess now that I’m single again, I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands.

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Sex Jokes Single People Jokes

Some people have a hard time understanding how Noah could fit all those animals inside the ark...
But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power тооl.

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Religion jokes Animal Jokes Single People Jokes

During a 50th anniversary wedding celebration, the father of the bride was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.
He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said,
"Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.
"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.
"... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

I suскеd at being single; I was a horrible dater. I used to get phone calls on Friday night:
'John -- hi, it's Blockbuster video. It's nine o'clock on a Friday, you're not here yet. We just wanted to call and make sure you're OK.'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

The heiress to the L’Oreal cosmetics empire has turn to prostitution to make ends meet, putting a $5 million price tag on her services for a single night.
Which is fair enough, because she’s worth it.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Single People Jokes

Women, we like to be romanced. We like to be wined, dined -- maybe there's a single rose and some dancing -- and then we feel close enough to you to have sеx with you. Men, on the other hand, like to have sеx with you; then they feel close enough to talk to you.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Single People Jokes

Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied:
"In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."
The judge turned to the wife:
"Have you anything to say?"
She answered:
"It's been six weeks, your honor."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

That's why I like to talk to my mother every single day because hearing how delusional I may become one day makes me appreciate every day I have left with my sanity.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Single People Jokes

Now that I'm grown, I'm scared 'cause I'm thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can't be Superman then, you know. It's like, 'Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound -- every other weekend.'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

What's that thing called when you're only attracted to married men and gаy men?
Oh. Single. It's called single.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Single People Jokes

Items 11- 20 Of 31 … …
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11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. …
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12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. … …
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13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. …
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. … …
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15. All single women have a cat. …
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes