Stupid Jokes

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My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”
I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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Stupid Jokes

These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are вullshiт.
They take just as much effort to sсrеw in as the ordinary ones.

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Stupid Jokes

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier, “Can you do this any cheaper?”
“I’m afraid not,” she replied, “If we did it for you then we’d have to do it for everybody.”
I said, “Yeah, but it’s got today’s date on it. If nobody buys it then it’s just going to get thrown away.”
“Look sir, you’re holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?”

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My girlfriend told me that I’m really shiт at thinking of comebacks.
To which I replied “Haha, nice one.”

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Stupid Jokes

My mate asked me for directions today.
“Do a right at that lamppost over there,”I said pointing, “Then walk down about 100 yards, chuck a quick left, then it should be on your right.”
He said, “You’ve totally lost me.”
“Well, I’m not explaining it again,” I said, putting the phone down.

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Stupid Jokes

I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”

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Stupid Jokes

I don’t understand why scientists say that the dinosaurs died because a meteor hit the earth.
Everyone knows it’s because Noah couldn’t fit them on the arc.

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Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?

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Stupid Jokes

Sven answers the phone at 3 AM. Wrong number, so the caller apologizes. …
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“Dot’s OK,” says Sven. “I had to get up to answer da phone anyway.”

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Stupid Jokes

Ollie was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven says, “Ya know Ollie, you and Lena should really get some new curtains.” …
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“Vy’s dat?” Ollie asks. …
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“Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know…”
Ollie thought for awhile, then said, “Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn’t even home last night!”

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Stupid Jokes

Don’t worry if your homing рigеоn doesn’t come home. You Havn’t lost a homing рigеоn- just a рigеоn!

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Stupid Jokes

Fool people into thinking you’ve been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities.

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Stupid Jokes

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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Stupid Jokes

After watching a few zombie films I’ve come to the conclusion that I would be a cameraman in the event of a zombie-apocalypse.
They never seem to attack them.

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Stupid Jokes

Just before “Last Call,” I asked Vanessa, the barkeep, for a glass of water with ice.
Once she served me, I asked her:
“What did you use to make the ice cubes?”
Vanessa:
“Water.”
Me:
“Fresh?”
Vanessa:
“No, frozen.”
Me:
“Oh for fсuк’s sake. Everyone knows fresh ingredients are superior to frozen.”

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Stupid Jokes

The Line Painter …
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Sven was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. …
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On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile.
Finally, his boss asked him why he was doing less each day. Sven replied, “It takes me longer and longer to get back to da paint bucket each day.”

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Stupid Jokes

To do list-
(1). Go to pet store.
(2). Buy bird seeds.
(3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow.
(4). Wait for the reaction.

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Stupid Jokes

I bought a deodorant stick today. I’d never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said ‘Remove top and slowly push up bottom.’
I’m in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!!

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Stupid Jokes

Billy Ray and Billie Bob are driving home from a party. Billy Ray runs a red light. Billie Bob says, “Hey! What the fсuк are you doing! That light was red!”
Billy Ray replies, “Don’t worry, my brother does it all the time, it’s OK.” Then he does it again.
Billie Bob:
- ” Dамn it, you done it again!”
Billy Ray:
“It’s OK, I tell you. My brother does it all the time.” The next light is green. Billy Ray slams on the brakes.
Billie Bob:
“Where did you learn to drive? That was green. You are supposed to go through.”
Billy Ray:
“Well I would have, but this is my brother’s side of town and he might be coming through!

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Stupid Jokes

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.

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Stupid Jokes

Lip Rings do not make you more attractive … …
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They make you look like a fish that got away.

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Stupid Jokes

I was playing Scrabble with the wife when I put down AWORD.
She said, “That’s not A word.”
I said, “It quite clearly is.”

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Stupid Jokes

I was really shocked today when a ladybird landed on my face.
It’s not something you expect in Bangkok.

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Stupid Jokes

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, ok, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh1t in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird sh1t.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”

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Stupid Jokes

Dаrn!! My pet toad has a fever! Temperature is 103°F. (38.5°C.)
I called my veterinarian. He said, “It’s not a good idea to take the toad out of its toad environment. Why don’t you drop by the clinic and bring a stool sample?”
Sounds easy enough. I over-watered my vegetable garden three days ago and I’ve got lots of toadstools next to the carrots..

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Stupid Jokes

Japanese couple having an argument:
Husband “Sukitaki!”
Wife replies “Kowanini!”
Husband “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife, on her knees literally begging “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband replies angrily “kina tim kouji!”
And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

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Stupid Jokes