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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
Now published by
Court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.
What is your date of birth?
July 15th.
What year?
Every year.
How old is your son, the one living with you?
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.
- _______________________________
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
Woke up that morning?
He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
- _______________________________
How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
- ________________________________
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
- ________________________________
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
A pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
Began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A Florida couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a sеx therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’…
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sеxuаl inтеrсоursе?’…
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sеxuаl advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have inтеrсоursе.’ He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye….
…
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sеx therapist to watch again. The sеx therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has inтеrсоursе with no problems, pays the doctor, then they leave….
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’ …
…
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me a net cost of $7.’
It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly.
It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and рее, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to рее.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
“Fine,” God said looking back into His bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, ‘multiple оrgаsмs’ . . .”
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.” God replied, “I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things and the work needed is just too intensive. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.” The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
God replied:
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”
A young teenage girl was making a living as a рrоsтiтuте and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suск em dry!”
A small little lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.
"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!"
"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.
"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."
The little lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."
She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great,Doc, what did you do?"
To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."