Animal Jokes - Page 76

Chuck Norris does not go fishing, the fish surrender.

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The last time Chuck Norris was hungry, all the dinosaurs suddenly got extinct...

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards.
‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man.
‘He’s not so clever,’ says one of the players.
‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his ваlls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says,
" I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says,
"Well, I think I'd pet him first".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says,
"Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says,
"How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother:
"What does the соw say?"
Child:
"Moo!"
Mother:
"Great! What does the cat say?"
Child:
"Meow."
Mother:
"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes

What do you get if you cross a hippo, elephant and a rhino?
A Helephino!!

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Animal Jokes

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

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Animal Jokes

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said,
"Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck'

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Animal Jokes

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg. That'll вlоw his little mind.

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Animal Jokes

A guy and his dog went into a bar. The guy tells the bartender, named Rafe, that his dog is the smartest dog in the world. Rafe tells the guy to prove it.
Guy: What's the bartenders name?
Dog: Rafe!
Guy: What's the thing that covers a house?
Dog: Roof!
Guy: What is the opposite of smooth?
Dog: Rough!
Guy: Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?
Dog: Ruth!
Then Rafe kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar because he's had enough of their trickery. When outside the bar, the dog says to the guy, "I think I know what went wrong. I should have said 'Mantle'!"

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Animal Jokes

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment... an IV drip mixing fluids with vоdка. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap вооzе so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts.
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes

Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus

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Animal Jokes

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

Where did the newlywed horses stay?
In the bridle suite.

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Animal Jokes

Why did the duck go to Brooklyn?
To buy some quack.

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Animal Jokes

Q: What's the difference between вееr nuts and deer nuts?
A: Вееr nuts are $1.39, and deer nuts are under a buck.

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog - it croaks every night.

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Animal Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes