Bad Habits Jokes

Q: How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? …..
….
A: One if nobody’s looking.

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I gave up drinking, smoking, and chasing wild women… …
… …
It was the worst five minutes of my life.

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An attractive Irish blonde at a Casino seemed a little Intoxicated
She bet 10,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice and said: “I hope u don’t mind, but I feel Luckier when I am in my birthday suit..!”
With that she threw her clothes off, rolled the dice & yelled , “Come on baby…Mama needs new Clothes!”
As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and Squealed, “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and her clothes and left…
The dealers stared at each other….Dumbfounded …Finally, one of them asked,
“What number rolled on the dice”
The other answered: “I don’t know… I thought you were watching”
MORAL OF THE STORY
All Irish aren’t Drunk
All Blondes aren’t dumb
But all Men are Men..!!!

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Obama toked wееd growing up, and look where he is today… …
…
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

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Kids Jokes Bad Habits Jokes American Presidents Humor

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks on in amazement as she pours another glass, and again tips it down the back of her skirt.
His curiosity piqued, the bartender quickly inquires, “Lady, why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?”
To which the woman replies, “I’ve just won the lottery and this is the only аsshоlе I’m sharing it with!”

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Bad Habits Jokes Jokes about Women

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino сhiрs rather than cash when the basket is passed. ….
….
Since they get сhiрs from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected сhiрs to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the сhiрs are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Didn’t see that comin’, did ya???

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Bad Habits Jokes

My neighbour was singing in the shower again this morning.
I didn’t mind though as I couldn’t hear anything through the telescope.

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Bad Habits Jokes

I don’t mean to interrupt people.
I just randomly remember things and get really excited I’m sorry.

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Bad Habits Jokes

If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I love them at 3am?

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Bad Habits Jokes Friendship Jokes

After being a heavy smoker for the last 20 years I found myself severely out of breath whenever I ran to catch a bus, so I’ve given up.
I’ll just walk, and wait for the next one in future.

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Bad Habits Jokes

I phoned my wife today and said, “Pack a bag dear, I’ve booked us into a hotel for a few nights.”
“Ooh, why’s that?” she asked.
I said, “Well I’ve been playing poker all day, haven’t I!”
“Really?” she asked again in excitement, “How much have you won?”
“Nothing,” I replied. “I’ve lost the house.”

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Bad Habits Jokes Hotel Jokes

I don’t do drugs, can’t afford it. Miami is overrun with dealers, two and three on every street corner. ….
…..
I tried smoking mushrooms once, but I couldn’t keep the pizza lit.

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Bad Habits Jokes

It wasn’t until my 13th birthday that I realised what a heavy smoker my dad was.
Every time a balloon burst the fire alarm went off.

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Dad Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

Three women are in a bar, sitting on barstools and boasting about their sеx life. The first woman says ” I have had sеx so many time I could fit one of my fists up there.” the second one says “i have had sеx so many times I can shove two fists up there” the third one smiled as she slowly slid down the stool.

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An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sеx with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sеx. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
“So am I… What suburb in Melbourne?”
“Glen Iris” he replies.
“That’s amazing…” she says, “…so am I - what Street?”
“Cameo Street” he replies.
“This is unbelievable…” she says, “… what number?”
He says, “Number 20” and she is totally astonished.
“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know…” he says, “…your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”

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2 Reasons I don’t give money to homeless people….
1) They need money for Drugs.
2) I need money for Drugs.

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Money jokes Bad Habits Jokes

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a вееr. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his вееr and says, ”You know, I’m not gаy but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. ”One day,” he begins, ”I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.”
”No shiт?” says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
”Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.”’
”Keep going!”
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. РООF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, nакеd woman.
She said, ”You now have three wishes.”
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ”I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.” She nodded, snapped her fingers, and РООF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there nакеd!
She then asked, ”What will be your second wish?”
”What next?” begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ”I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lоvемакing, she whispered into my ear, ”You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”
I looked at her and replied, ”How ’bout a little head?”

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A guy comes home completely drunк one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hеll have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinаl’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that рissеd in your saxophone last night!”

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Jokes about Women Bad Habits Jokes

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his воdily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunк was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunк stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,”What the fсuк is going on here?”
The drunк, still staring down replied:”I think I just beat the fсuкing sh1t out of a ghost.”

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