Bad Habits Jokes

Q: How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? …..
….
A: One if nobody’s looking.

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I gave up drinking, smoking, and chasing wild women… …
… …
It was the worst five minutes of my life.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Bad Habits Jokes

An attractive Irish blonde at a Casino seemed a little Intoxicated
She bet 10,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice and said: “I hope u don’t mind, but I feel Luckier when I am in my birthday suit..!”
With that she threw her clothes off, rolled the dice & yelled , “Come on baby…Mama needs new Clothes!”
As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and Squealed, “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and her clothes and left…
The dealers stared at each other….Dumbfounded …Finally, one of them asked,
“What number rolled on the dice”
The other answered: “I don’t know… I thought you were watching”
MORAL OF THE STORY
All Irish aren’t Drunk
All Blondes aren’t dumb
But all Men are Men..!!!

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

Obama toked wееd growing up, and look where he is today… …
…
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

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Kids Jokes Bad Habits Jokes American Presidents Humor

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks on in amazement as she pours another glass, and again tips it down the back of her skirt.
His curiosity piqued, the bartender quickly inquires, “Lady, why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?”
To which the woman replies, “I’ve just won the lottery and this is the only аsshоlе I’m sharing it with!”

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Jokes about Women Bad Habits Jokes

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino сhiрs rather than cash when the basket is passed. ….
….
Since they get сhiрs from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected сhiрs to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the сhiрs are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Didn’t see that comin’, did ya???

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Bad Habits Jokes

My neighbour was singing in the shower again this morning.
I didn’t mind though as I couldn’t hear anything through the telescope.

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Bad Habits Jokes

I don’t mean to interrupt people.
I just randomly remember things and get really excited I’m sorry.

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Bad Habits Jokes

If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I love them at 3am?

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Friendship Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

After being a heavy smoker for the last 20 years I found myself severely out of breath whenever I ran to catch a bus, so I’ve given up.
I’ll just walk, and wait for the next one in future.

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Bad Habits Jokes

I phoned my wife today and said, “Pack a bag dear, I’ve booked us into a hotel for a few nights.”
“Ooh, why’s that?” she asked.
I said, “Well I’ve been playing poker all day, haven’t I!”
“Really?” she asked again in excitement, “How much have you won?”
“Nothing,” I replied. “I’ve lost the house.”

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Bad Habits Jokes Hotel Jokes

I don’t do drugs, can’t afford it. Miami is overrun with dealers, two and three on every street corner. ….
…..
I tried smoking mushrooms once, but I couldn’t keep the pizza lit.

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Bad Habits Jokes

It wasn’t until my 13th birthday that I realised what a heavy smoker my dad was.
Every time a balloon burst the fire alarm went off.

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Dad Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

After lots of careful research, I’ve devised an infallible way to win at Roulette.
Step one: open a casino.

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Bad Habits Jokes

What’s the difference between сосаinе and ecstasy?
Fingering my аnus doesn’t bring me сосаinе.

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Bad Habits Jokes

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Вееr unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
SYMPTOM: Вееr tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Вееr consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
SYMPTOM: Вееr is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The вееr is too weak.
SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Вееr is just right.

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Bad Habits Jokes Beer Jokes

Сосаinе…… Because its cheaper than sniffing petrol

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Bad Habits Jokes

My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’
She could be right… I’m an only child.

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Bad Habits Jokes

Every cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I should have died in 1879.

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Bad Habits Jokes

Breakfast - - - The Most Important Cigarette of the day

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Bad Habits Jokes