Criminal Jokes

James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful
“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.”
The words of a rарisт if ever there was one.

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Once upon a tie there were 3 prisoners about to be executed via firing squad and upon asking the first prisoner if they had anything left to say, he yelled, "Oh my God! Killer Bee swarms!" Everyone panicked and scattered and ran and that prisoner was able to escape.

After all the chaos calmed, they brought out the second prisoner. They did the same asking about last words, the prisoner yelled "Tsunami & Tornadoes!" Once again the crowd scattered and prisoner #2 escaped.

Now, everyone was reassembled and they brought out prisoner #3. Same practice once again. This time the prisoner yelled "FIRE!"

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Criminal Jokes

I went to this swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl. I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out.
Never saw my BMW again.

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Blonde Jokes Criminal Jokes BMW jokes

When I was at school there were no laptops, tablets, i phones or anything else like that.
We had to get by with just stealing tiffin money.

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School Jokes Money jokes Criminal Jokes

I saw a nice new widescreen TV at the shops today, but I’m going to have to wait until the sales.
Or until the police shoot another black guy.

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Three woman terrorists kidnapped three men and took them back to their secret hideout. The woman tied up the men and stood them against the wall. The leader of the terrorists said to the men ‘Here’s what will happen. You will each tell us what your jobs are and we will chop off your соск with accordance to the job.’
The first man was asked, ‘I’m a butcher.’ he replied. So his соск was sliced off.
The second man was then asked, ‘I’m a woodcutter.’ So his соск was chopped off.
The women came to the third man, who was laughing. ‘Why are you laughing?’ They asked.
‘I work in a lollipop factory.’

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes

What’s the difference between a box of donuts and a black man?
A box of donuts has 12 holes in it before the police turn up.

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Pakistan postponed the execution of a paraplegic man by hanging, saying it wouldn’t work. They are looking at alternative methods.
Pakistan: he’s already in a chair, just plug it in.

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes

Leroy is desperate to get some money to satisfy his craving for hеrоin.
He has never robbed a bank before, but there’s a time and place for everything when you need a fix.
He cuts holes in an old knit cap, enters a small bank brandishing his gun and trembling as he says,
“Aw.. aww.. All rr ri right you motherstickers, this is a fuскuр!!”

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Money jokes Criminal Jokes

Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me “Robin Hood”…
Stealing from the вiтсh and giving to the whоrе.

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Money jokes Friendship Jokes Criminal Jokes

I saw a 7 year old kid with an iPad 2.
Spoiled little ваsтаrd.
So I ran up to him and snatched it.

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Kids Jokes Criminal Jokes

The Doctor asked me why I kept on beating my wife, so I told him the truth… I’ve got a longer reach and better footwork…

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Criminal Jokes

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.
I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Criminal Jokes

A woman runs into a police station shouting, “Grape! Grape!”
The cop says, “Don’t you mean rаре, ma’am?”
The woman says, “No, there was a bunch of them!”

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Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Thirty years ago I murdered both of my parents in a fit of rage.
I then slaughtered both of my sisters and my brother. Before I calmed down, I visited all my friends and killed each and every one of them.
It was a terrible episode in my life and I regret it now more than ever.
I get released tomorrow and there’s no one to pick me up.

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Friendship Jokes Criminal Jokes

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing coming from a parked van.
But, when they looked, it was just a kid napping.

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Kids Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

There’s a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order … The police believe they’re still at large.

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

A girl from work asked if I’d drive her home yesterday because it was raining heavily.
I agreed, we got talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, then about work for a bit. We got to her house before long.
She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped, looked hard at me and whispered, “How did you know where I lived?”

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Office and Work Jokes Criminal Jokes

I got chased by a niggеr the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “He’s giving me a good run for my money.”

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Money jokes Criminal Jokes

Give a man a gun, he’ll rob a bank …
…
…
Teach a man to run a bank, he’ll rob the American people.

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes