Criminal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said:
“Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be sтuрid! It’s not addressed to you!

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Criminal Jokes

I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.
“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of вооzе. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”

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Criminal Jokes

I slept with this really hot girl last night.
Actually I should probably get out before she wakes up and finds me.

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Criminal Jokes

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?” said my late wife.

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Criminal Jokes

The Mafia have decided to update it’s operations to keep up with internet trading.
Their first venture is called Pay-Up-Pal

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Criminal Jokes Internet Jokes

I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the pub last night…
Especially as I fuскing walked there in the first place.

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Criminal Jokes

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.

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Criminal Jokes

How many parents does it take to raise a psychopath?
Two…. Then one….. Then none..

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Criminal Jokes

I was shаgging this girl once who just could not make up her mind.
She couldn’t decide between no and more.
=

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Criminal Jokes

I was watching the film, ‘A Perfect Мurdеr,’ with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared.
“Is it the storyline?” I said.
“Not really,” she replied. “Stop taking notes.”

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Criminal Jokes

I had a Scouse girl babysit for me once, never again.
I said on my way out, “Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”
Bitch took the microwave.

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Criminal Jokes

In Liverpool, you’ll never walk alone.
There will always be other visitors to the city who’ve had their cars stolen, too.

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Criminal Jokes

I’m very close to my identical twin brother. We even finish each other’s sentences.
Which is nice as he’s now serving 30 years for that rаре I committed.

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Criminal Jokes

Guns don’t кill people.
Americans,who think guns don ‘t кill people,do.

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Criminal Jokes

Good morning beautiful вrеаsтs of my neighbour. How did you get inside these binoculars?

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Criminal Jokes

Saying, “Guns don’t кill people, bullets do,” is like me saying “I’ve never rареd anyone, but my реnis has.”

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Criminal Jokes

I asked my new cellmate how long he’s in for.
He said, “Until I еjасulате.”

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Criminal Jokes

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her аrsе.
I didn’t know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

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Criminal Jokes

The other day, my 13 year old daughter asked me where she came from.
I decided to be honest but you should have seen her face when I told her she came from a Portugese hotel room.

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Criminal Jokes Hotel Jokes

The terrorist grouped all the hostages together and he said to me,
“Pick a number between one and thirty six. ”
“Seventeen, ” I shouted. He then shot my wife.
“You were fuскing peeping when we assigned the numbers weren’t you?” He said.

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Criminal Jokes