Criminal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

My wife called me a lazy ваsтаrd, I felt like hitting her.
But I couldn’t be bothered to get up off the sofa.

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Criminal Jokes

My mate just said to me, “If you became invisible, what would you do first?”
I said, “I’d go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he’d get would be astounding.”

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Criminal Jokes

My wife said to me the other day ”Your as blind as a bat!”
Ironically, the вiтсh never even saw me swing it.

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Criminal Jokes

Talent show judge: When you said you were going to saw that girl in half….. I thought you were a magician.

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Criminal Jokes

“What are you in for?” asked my new cell mate.
“Putting a Headstone on my wife’s grave.”
“What! That’s not a сriме.”
“No. But it’s fuскing sтuрid when she’s buried under the patio.”

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Criminal Jokes

My next door neighbour got rареd today whilst sitting out in her back garden , I heard the screams but didn’t bother doing anything.
I just assumed she was doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.

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Criminal Jokes

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.

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Criminal Jokes

One time I was in a corner shop, and saw a young boy pick up a Mars bar and slip it into his pocket.
Then the shopkeeper appeared and shouted, “Oi, you! Hands off!”
They don’t fuск about in Saudi Arabia.

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Criminal Jokes

I think Al Qaeda made a huge mistake knocking down both Twin Towers.
Just think how embarassing it would be only having one Twin Tower.

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Criminal Jokes

“The pen is mightier than the sword.”
Clearly fсuкing useless against AK47s though.

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Criminal Jokes

As the executioner picked up the axe, I said, “I thought I was to be hanged. Are you going to chop off my head?”
“No, your legs,” he replied. “The rope is too long.”

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Criminal Jokes

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

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Criminal Jokes

My next door Neighbour’s Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched.
A few minutes later, so was she.

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Criminal Jokes

A girl in a bar said to me, “I wouldn’t fuск you if you were the last person alive.”
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, “But who would be around to stop me?”

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Criminal Jokes

After being convicted for rаре I’ve been sent to prison for 4 years and ordered to pay my victim £10,000.
Surely if I’m paying her £10,000 then it’s not rаре.

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Criminal Jokes

We had gаy burglars while we were out of town for a few days….
…
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

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Criminal Jokes

My wife’s a bit like Pinocchio.
Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.

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Criminal Jokes

Wife: Hey ваве! How’s your “Boy’s Night Out” going?
Me: Don’t hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

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Criminal Jokes

Wait a minute, where’s it gone?

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Criminal Jokes

I was furious when I discovered my wife had set up a website to help the victims of domestic violence.
She got 200 hits in the first hour.

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Criminal Jokes