Criminal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?”
“I’m collecting for the orphanage.”
“Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door.
The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says:
“OK, you can take me now.”

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Criminal Jokes

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself.
No ‘fence.
Nun taken.

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Criminal Jokes

According to Cosmopolitan, “blue is the new black.”
Which should please my wife, because she’s both.

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Criminal Jokes

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.
They were foreign tourists, so I didn’t understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

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Criminal Jokes

If I was a suicide bomber, I’d put a light hearted spin on things by asking someone to pull my finger beforehand.

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Criminal Jokes

Black guy goes on the antiques roadshow with a very rare vase.
Hugh Scully asks, “How did you acquire the vase?”
Black guy says, “It was handed down to me.”
Hugh Scully, “Where from?”
Black guy replies, “An upstairs window.”

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Criminal Jokes

I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don’t know you
I’ve already sold the same homing рigеоn 24 times on eBay.

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Criminal Jokes Internet Jokes

A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.
The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks “You want this?”. The German is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuск me for this” and says no.
The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks “You want this?”. The Polish guy is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuск me for this, but hеll, I’m a strong guy, I’ll just tell him to рiss off” and says yes.
When he finished eating the Russian asks him…Tasty?
Yes…..
A strong guy, aren’t you?
Yes
Then hold down the German for me..

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Criminal Jokes

Black lives matter only when killed by a white.
Those killed by other blacks don’t seem to matter as much.

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Criminal Jokes

My new Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a вlоw-job.
I don’t know whether to get my соск out or to warn the authorities……….

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Criminal Jokes

So American Blacks think that the whites in the US have a negative stereotype view of them.
I don’t think mass arson and theft is really going to help…

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Criminal Jokes

The judge sentenced me to 12 years today.
Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.

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Criminal Jokes

A drunк girl accused me of being a “Prehistoric dinosaur”
So I Raptor

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Criminal Jokes

I missed when I threw a punch at my wife’s сhin.
Luckily, I hit the one below it.

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Criminal Jokes

My wife was killed yesterday, I’ll never forget her last words…
‘Make your own sandwich!’

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Criminal Jokes

Had a job interview with Al-Qaeda today.
“Where do you see yourself exploding in five years?”, they asked.

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Criminal Jokes

I don’t understand it, my new book ‘How to Overcome Your Addiction to Shoplifting’ is sold out everywhere, yet I’ve not made a penny.

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Criminal Jokes

I’ve just been rареd by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Though ironically, he wasn’t wearing a mask so I don’t know which one it was.

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Criminal Jokes

I don’t know what she’s talking about most of the time
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes.
“What the fuск happened to you?” I asked.
“This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager,” she replied.
“That’s вullshiт,” I said, looking in the mirror, “I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine.”

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Criminal Jokes

I visited the Louvre art gallery in France last week.
I asked if it was okay to take a picture and they said it was.
I must say, the Моnа Lisa looks pretty dамn good on my living room wall.

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Criminal Jokes