Criminal Jokes

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I’m continually bewildered by the brainwashing these young jihadists undergo about paradise, then are strapped into a backpack of pipe bombs and TNT, and dropped off at the CrossRoads Mall.
How are you going to ever shаg your 72 virgins when your nuтsаск is a few feet away on the cold tile floor of the mall and your shredded johnson is draped across a sign advertising “30% off all jewelry today only?”

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Criminal Jokes

Which is more important, length or girth?
Turns out it’s consent.

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Criminal Jokes

Made love to my girlfriend like a Jedi last night.
She said no so I used “the force”.

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Criminal Jokes Star Wars Jokes

Anyway I’m walking down the sidewalk and this dude is trying to wiggle a wire coat hanger through a small opening in his car window.
I say, “Did you lock your keys in the car?”
He glowers at me, then says, “No, I just washed ‘er and I’m hanging her out to dry.”
((Sigh)) When will I ever learn to keep the old trap shut???

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Criminal Jokes

You wouldn’t steal a car.
You wouldn’t steal a film.
So why download a movie?
Because I don’t like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn…

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Criminal Jokes

I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the window in the front room, shаgging the milkman.
It was only after I’d bludgeoned her to death that I realised that the image was two years old.
When I used to be a milkman.

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Criminal Jokes

A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys "R" Us store and stealing a board game...
He got Life.

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Criminal Jokes

For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe leaving your car unlocked at a church parking lot on a Sunday! Apparently NOT.
Anyway, I got 4 iPhones and 6 Tablets.

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Criminal Jokes

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my вееr.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop?
6. Bad cop, No donut for you!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I pay your salary.
9. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
10. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
11. What do you mean, have I been drinking? And you're a trained specialist?
12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
13. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
14. Didn't I see you get your вuтт kicked on cops?
15. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
16. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are.
17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of сrаск, my gun fell off my lap and got stuck between the brake and gas pedal,forcing me to speed out of control.

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Criminal Jokes

“I bet my girlfriend’s dirtier than yours” my mate said.
“I doubt it” I replied, “mine’s buried in the garden.”

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Criminal Jokes

The terrorist grouped all the hostages together and he said to me,
“Pick a number between one and thirty six. ”
“Seventeen, ” I shouted. He then shot my wife.
“You were fuскing peeping when we assigned the numbers weren’t you?” He said.

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Criminal Jokes

The other day, my 13 year old daughter asked me where she came from.
I decided to be honest but you should have seen her face when I told her she came from a Portugese hotel room.

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Criminal Jokes Hotel Jokes

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her аrsе.
I didn’t know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

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Criminal Jokes

I asked my new cellmate how long he’s in for.
He said, “Until I еjасulате.”

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Criminal Jokes

Saying, “Guns don’t кill people, bullets do,” is like me saying “I’ve never rареd anyone, but my реnis has.”

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Criminal Jokes

Good morning beautiful вrеаsтs of my neighbour. How did you get inside these binoculars?

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Criminal Jokes

Guns don’t кill people.
Americans,who think guns don ‘t кill people,do.

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Criminal Jokes

I’m very close to my identical twin brother. We even finish each other’s sentences.
Which is nice as he’s now serving 30 years for that rаре I committed.

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Criminal Jokes

In Liverpool, you’ll never walk alone.
There will always be other visitors to the city who’ve had their cars stolen, too.

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Criminal Jokes

I had a Scouse girl babysit for me once, never again.
I said on my way out, “Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”
Bitch took the microwave.

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Criminal Jokes