Food Jokes - Page 64

A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell.
The Doctor performs some tests and says, “I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we”re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man.
“No,” says the Doctor, “it”s the only food we can pass under the fuскing door!”

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What is it about McDonald's breakfast? Do they have some magical, mystical biscuits and eggs that just disintegrate at the sтrоке of 10:29:59? Have you ever shown up at 10:27, 10:26, still been denied? Don't you feel like Rosa Parks and your civil rights were violated?

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Food Jokes

Yo momma is so fат, that all the local fast foods joints have now installed a "Roll Thru"

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Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Fifty cents to use the pay toilets at Taco Веll. What's Taco Веll telling us when taking a dump is 50 cents, but a Fiesta Taco is 39 cents? What is that -- eat now, pay later?

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Food Jokes

Burns: Do you like to love?
Allen: No.
Burns: Like to kiss?
Allen: No.
Burns: What do you like?
Allen: Lamb chops.
Burns: Lamb chops. Could you eat two big lamb chops alone?
Allen: Alone? Oh, no, not alone. With potatoes I could.

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Food Jokes

Why were the Cocoa Puffs so afraid of their owner?
They heard that he was a cereal killer.

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Food Jokes

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sеxy black dress -- and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?

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Food Jokes

Some people who don't like seafood complain that it tastes too fishy...
How can you be so arrogant as to eat something and then complain that it tastes like itself???

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Food Jokes

What did the apple say to the orange?
"I despise you for being different from me."

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Food Jokes

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos -- saved us money somehow. I don't know how. The coupon queen worked that out.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes

Anytime there was a problem in the world, we'd send troops. Now, anytime there's a problem in the world, we send food. Problem in Bosnia, we send them food. Problem in Somalia, we send them food. Clinton's like my mom.

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Food Jokes

An elderly married couple enters a restaurant for dinner and orders some food. As the waiter serves the food on their table, the husband starts eating while the wife just looks at her platter.
Astonished by this rather unusual scene, a young man sitting besides goes over to their table and courteously asks the lady as to why is she only staring at but not eating her food, The women agreeably replies,
"Well son, we have only one set of dentures and today it's his turn first."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

I'm watching TV with my father late at night 'cause he doesn't sleep. And you know that commercial for 'Save the Children'? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, 'For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day'? My father and I are both sitting there, thinking the exact same thing:
'Where can you get coffee for 67 cents?!'

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Food Jokes

Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound.
The other two are goulash and squid.

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Food Jokes

How do seedless grapes reproduce?

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Food Jokes

A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside.
The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"
The waiter said,
"Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

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Food Jokes Men jokes

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked,
"Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then the rich man asked,
"Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally the rich man asked,
"Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally the rich man said,
"Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked,
"What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following sequence of events takes place:
1. The woman goes to the market to buy the food.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a вееr.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. You keep more food than вееr in the fridge.
3. 6:00 A. M. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
5. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
9. You're the one calling the police because those dаrn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
10. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
12. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p. M.
13. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
14. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
15. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water. One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:
Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50
They struggled in, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"
"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter, "Did you ever try to clean one of those suckers?"

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