Kids Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Always give 100% at work:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If women can have РМS, then why can't men have ESPN?
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.
Remember, half the people in the country are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- -------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
- -------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
- -------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A вееr please, and one for the road.”
- -------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
“Does this taste funny to you?”
- -------------------------
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
- -------------------------
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
- -------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
- -------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- -------------------------
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
- --------------------------
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
- --------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- --------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- --------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- ---------------------------
Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes
Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part II
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes... Could you fit this in...?... In your spare time... When you're freed up... I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you
32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.
Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes
Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes
A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison.
He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.”
At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!”
“The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name-she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans.
The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you - ASAP!”
“Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks - utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Secretary Jokes
Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes