Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

A father asked his daughter, "What do you see in that boy? That kid has his head sсrеwеd on backwards!"
"No he doesn’t dad, that’s how kids wear ball caps these days."

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After spending all day putting in a new cement walk, Mr. Sullivan was horrified to see his kids using sticks to write their names in it. After screaming viciously at the kids, he came back inside, only to find his wife scowling. “How could you do that?” she asked.
“It’s just a walkway, and - don’t you love your kids?” Her husband said, “In the abstract, yes. But not in the concrete.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen.
A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes

A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"'Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.
"But what," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend some pizza while she was babysitting.
We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.
Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed.
At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there.
I said, “No.”
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

I was reading about this 3 year old kid in China who weighs nearly 9 stone.
His parents say he’s so fат he can hardly walk to work in the morning.

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Fat Jokes

Wife:
"No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit and Trix were only supposed to be for kids."
Husband:
"Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person."
[A period of silence -- the wife looks down at her food.]
Husband:
"What's wrong?"
Wife:
"I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes

“Jenny!” screamed her mother, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”
“I have to,” Jenny replied. “That’s where my canary is.”

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Kids Jokes

We were kids living in Hong Kong. How cool is that? Think about that for a second -- everything you were playing with was made here, right here. They have it in stock.

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Kids Jokes

Smart Kid: Teacher, am I the teachers pet?
Teacher: I guess I can now classify that as you, because you got 10 A's in your recent tests.
(15 minutes later)
Smart Kid's friend: WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO HIM MISS!?
Teacher: He wanted to be the teachers pet, so I put a leash on him. I guess it was a bit too tight....

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Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes

Bully: your so fат you can't see your diск when you look down
Kid:I'm not fат its just your moms head is in the way

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Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Fat Jokes

(Grandpa) "Honey did you know that kids these days don't put their tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy? What they do is take a digital image and upload it to the toothfairy website they then get paid in bit coins."
(Grandma) "Dear, you've been talking to your grandson again and he's pulling your leg."
(Grandpa) "Billy, why would you make up a story about the tooth fairy?"
(Grandson) "Let me get this straight... you make up a story about a fictitious character, you then tell it to my parents who perpetuate the hoax. I decided to elaborate on it and you're calling me out!"

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Kids Jokes Old People Jokes

On the way to lunch, a teacher spotted two boys playfully fighting. She asked one of the boys to go to the back of the line and he came back right after.
- ”Why aren't you at the end of the line?" asked the teacher.
The boy replied, "I couldn't, someone was already there."

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Kids Jokes

The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

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Kids Jokes

A teacher asked students to bring old staff, 1 kid came with his grandpa

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Kids Jokes One-Liner Jokes

My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, 'Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.'
'Well father, I forgot.' My dad looked at me, 'Well, what if I forget to go to work tomorrow?' I'd say, 'Well, you could mow the lawn. What's the problem?'

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dad Jokes

“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to little Jeffey.
“It ain’t my fault,” Miss Crabtree. “You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is Daddy sleeps without any clothes!”
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Jeffrey what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Jeffrey and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
“You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna giт him!'”
“Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!” He was nакеd as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that doublebarrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old black Lab, Hudson, had done woke up and come a sneakin’ up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Hudson stuck that cold nose in Daddy’s сrаск!
“Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this morning!”

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes

Posh Gingеr Sporty Scary Baby…
That will be the result when Prince Harry finally has a kid.

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Sports Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Kids Jokes

Any kid that has any problem now, they just shove pills down their mouth. Like, every kid 17 years old, 'Oh, we got him on Prozac.' What does a 17-year-old need Prozac for to get through life? When I was 17, my dad's version of anti-depressants would be to, like, hold my head underwater 'til I got a little more excited about living.

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Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dad Jokes