Marriage and Family Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A вееr please, and one for the road.”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
“Does this taste funny to you?”
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part II
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes... Could you fit this in...?... In your spare time... When you're freed up... I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you
32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.
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One day, a teenage boy was absolutely over the moon that he had just passed his driving test. Then, just as his father was expecting, the boy approached his dad asking when they’d be able to have a discussion about him using the family car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son:
“You need to bring your grades up from a C to a B, study the Bible, and get a haircut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’
The boy thought about it for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they came to an agreement.
After about six weeks, his father said:
“Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying the Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t cut your hair yet.”
The boy said:
“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Моsеs had long hair - and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!”
The dad nodded wisely, then leaned over and whispered to his son:
“Did you also notice they walked everywhere?”
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