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Masturbation jokes

Newest jokes in this category

I’ve got a hot date with a girl tonight, but I hate using condoms.
My mate suggested pulling out at the last minute. So I did.
Shame. I was really looking forward to fuскing her.

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Masturbation jokes

My girlfriend revealed to me that she’s a huge fаn of The Spice Girls.
“Well, tonight is the night when two become one”, I winked,
“Aww, that’s really sweet”, she giggled,
“No, I mean I’m leaving you” I said.

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Masturbation jokes

Jennifer Lawrence’s new boyfriend, Chris Martin, is furious over the leaked pictures, claiming Apple can no longer be trusted.
I feel you Chris, I don’t trust my 10 year old daughter either.

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Masturbation jokes

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ‘ Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’

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Masturbation jokes

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”
I said, “Okay, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”

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Masturbation jokes

I was invited to a Formal Party
‘Black tie only’ was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

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Masturbation jokes

I was talking to my mate today and he said, “Don’t forget the clocks go forward this weekend.”
I replied, “They go forward all the time, you sтuрid тwат.”

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Masturbation jokes

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was ‘absolutely priceless’.
Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who’s laughing now?

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Masturbation jokes

I am on file with an on-line job search agency, and I had just finished off a 1.75L handle of cheap hоосh when the phone rang. …
…
“This is your recruiter. I have two holes I think you could fill quite nicely,” she said … …
…
“I’ll bet I could, come on by the house,” wasn’t the response she expected, as I noted this morning my online account has been revoked.

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Masturbation jokes

My eldest daughter told me she wanted to take up modelling, so I bought her a bag of plasticine.

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Masturbation jokes

A lady was picking up several items at a supermarket. When she finally got up to the checkout lane, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
“PRICE CHECK ON LANE THREE, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:
“Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

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Masturbation jokes

When I was in the nightclub last night I lent over to a beautiful brunette at the bar and whispered into her ear, “You know what love, I’m pretty big in the trouser department”.
“That sounds promising”, she replied, “Just how big do you mean?”
“Well put it this way”, I answered, “In December John Lewis made me their employee of the month”.

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Masturbation jokes

When EE said I’ll get unlimited calls and texts with my new mobile contract, I didn’t realise it would be from PPI insurance claim companies.

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Masturbation jokes

My wife rang me earlier and said her mother was near to death and wont last the night, so to come down to the hospital.
I said but the football’s on and ill miss it.
She said i don’t care u can tape it.
You should have seen the look on her face when i turned up with a camcorder and a tripod.

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Masturbation jokes

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.
It took me three hours.

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Masturbation jokes

I was sitting in the park wanking over the page 3 today.
An old lady walked over, angered, “Could you cut that out?”
“Fuск off, buy your own paper

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Masturbation jokes

I was chatting with a girl on-line.
“Tell me something interesting about yourself,” I typed.
“I’m Lebanese,” came the reply..
I’m wasting my time, I thought: she’s dyslexic and she prefers girls.

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Masturbation jokes

My wife said she’d like to have another baby.
I agreed, the one we have is fuскing annoying!

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Masturbation jokes

Today, my boss told me to, “Take a note.”
So I flicked through his wallet, and grabbed the fifty.

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Masturbation jokes

As the taxi driver dropped me off last night, he said, “That’s £16 please.”
I gave him a twenty and said, “Keep it.”
“Are you serious?” he asked.
I said, “Yeah, I’m in a good mood.”
He said, “Fuск off you тwат, you owe me another £15.80.”

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Masturbation jokes