if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Model.PrevPageFullUrl)) { } if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Model.NextPageFullUrl)) { } Masturbation jokes - Page 19

Masturbation jokes

Newest jokes in this category

I rang my mate as I stood рissеd outside to ask how to get into his club.
He said, “There should be a кnов on the door.”
I said, “Yeah, he’s the one that won’t let me in.”

0 0

Masturbation jokes

This little old lady is walking her dog around the local lake. It is a cold morning and the lake is still frozen. All of a sudden her little dog spots a duck on the ice and runs out to bite the сrар out of it.
The dog falls through the ice and the little old lady starts chucking a wobbler….
“Help, help…. my dog has fallen into the lake”.
Watching all the commotion is a German jogger who sprints over to the lady and says “Vot is zee matter viv your dog; can I za help?”
“Oh yes please” says the old lady, so the jogger wades in and saves the dog and puts it on the bank beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind, are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German…. “VET!…. I’m fuскing soaked!

0 0

Masturbation jokes

“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life in Tesco!” exclaimed the wife, “what the fuск was that shiт doing in my handbag?”
“Well I did shout to say we’d run out of toilet paper!”
“And your point is?”
“You fuскing told me to put it on your shopping list.”

0 0

Masturbation jokes

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said.
“Tell me, do you object to making love?”
“That is something I have never done before,” Jill replied.
“Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?”
Jack was amazed. “No, silly!” she giggled. “I’ve never objected!

0 0

Masturbation jokes

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table… …
I’ll try, but I’ll need some chalk for my cue.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

Bought some Colgate and on the tube it said ‘Guaranteed whiteness in 14 days’ 15 days later, I’m still fuскing black!

0 0

Masturbation jokes

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
“Oh yes, quite a few”, the Librarian said.
“Sorry to hear that”, I replied. “They’ll all be ruined by now”.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said “be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity ”
So I left without paying.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

I walked into the DIY shop. “Excuse me,” I asked, “have you got any 6 inch screws?”
“Only what we’ve got on the shelf,” replied the cashier, pointing.
I don’t know why he’s selling these, I thought to myself as I unscrewed them and the shelf fell down.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.
As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.
As she pulled my соск out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, “Before you stick that in there, aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Dont worry about a соndом, I’m on the pill,” she smiled.
“I was talking about my fuскing coffee,” I replied.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

I walked into the shop and the girl behind the counter said, “Sorry, no dogs.”
“That’s OK, I brought my own. It’s actually cigarettes I’m looking for?”

0 0

Masturbation jokes

‘North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US’
At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

I saw Subways lunch offer today -
‘£3 - Choose between 9 Subs and a Drink’
Erm… Fuскing 9 Subs please.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

My girlfriend said, “Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?”
I said, “Yeah, definitely. Let’s call your mum and tell her you’ve died.”

0 0

Masturbation jokes

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

My girlfriend’s jealousy is really getting out of hand…. The other day she looked at my calendar and grew angry because she wanted to know who “May” was.

0 0

Masturbation jokes

I was in McDonald’s and this fit young girl took my order.
“I can make it large for you for an extra 30p,” she said sweetly.
“You already have, love” I replied, “so how about a wаnк for a pound?”

0 0

Masturbation jokes

A little boy hurts his finger, runs in the house, and calls out to his mother. “Oh,” she says, “let me get a band-aid for that.”
“No!” cries the boy, “Cider!”
“Cider?” the mother exclaims. “What on earth do you want cider for?”
“Because,” he explains, “Sis says whenever she gets a рriск in her hand, she likes to put it in cider.”

0 0

Masturbation jokes

Over dinner last night my date asked me, “So, do you have any guilty pleasures?”
I replied, “Sure, but I’d be too embarrassed to tell you.”
She said, “Don’t be shy! Tell you what, you tell me yours and then I’ll tell you mine!”
I said, “Okay, here goes. Sometimes when I’m маsтurватing I like to stick a couple of fingers up my аrsе. If I’m feeling really кinкy I use my whole fist. Okay, now it’s your turn to tell me!”
She replied, “Erm, The Carpenters and Billy Joel…

0 0

Masturbation jokes

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.” Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect аss.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the dамn necklace.”

0 0

Masturbation jokes