Men jokes - Page 82

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy?
My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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What is that insensitive bit at the base of the реnis called?
The man.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Love Jokes

A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately.
‘I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,’ says the man.
‘Watch them!’ says his wife.
‘You already know how to play volleyball.’

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Sports Jokes Men jokes

A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet.
She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police.
So he went to рiss but on the flush chain there was a вrа so he ripped it off.
Then when he was walking down the stairs he saw her cat called Воовs on the step & he hates cats so he squezed it & then threw it up the stairs.
He then went in the kitchen where the women was & the women said why did you throw my cat up the stairs?
He said I don`t know.
While she went to get it, on the table was a glass of milk which he then drank.
When the women came back she said you had your 3 chances now I'm calling the Police.
When the police came they asked her what the man had done. She said this man has ripped her вrа off, squezed her Воовs and drank her milk.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Boob Jokes

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing.
One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice.
The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."
The successful man spits something into his hand.
"You've got to keep your worms warm."

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Sports Jokes Men jokes

What is difference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

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Men jokes Superhero Jokes

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

An advertisement:
I change 40-year-old wife to two 20-years-old ones.
Do not offer four 10-year-old ones.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said,
"Yes."
... He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A мurdеr has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five... Six ... Put me down for a five."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Because there are blonde men too!

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Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes Men jokes

On the show Man v. S Wild, when they talk about the profesionals that Bear recieves help from, they are refering to Chuck Norris.

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Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes

An old man and his wife are having their first argument after many years of marriage.
He says, ‘When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey!’
‘I know,’ replies his wife. ‘But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’
Lawyer: ‘Absolutely.
What’s the other question?’

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Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

A drunк man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says "I need birth control for my 10 year old daughter"
The doctor replies "She's 10 years old and sexually active?"
The man says" Active? Неll no! Most of the time se just lies there and cries."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce.
One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side.
I asked why.
Then he said,
"Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"

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Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

Men are like..... Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Men are like..... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes