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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lоvемакing encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. …
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. …
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sеx, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”
That’s when she shot him.
A 9-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what is a couple sеx? ” …..
….
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question then she’s old enough to get a straight answer. ….
…..
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey? ”
The little girl replied, “Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
‘What you do for a riving, then?’, he said.
‘What do I do for a living, you mean?’
‘Yes..’
‘I’m a comedian’, I replied.
‘Go on then, change colour’, he chuckled.
‘No! I’m not a fuскing chameleon, I’m a comedian’
‘Oh right, tell me joke then. Make me raff’, he said.
Just then in the kitchen, I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it.
‘Wok! Wok!’, I shouted.
‘Who’s dare..’, he said.
Fuck this, I thought.
I’m off to the Indian.
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?” The local reaches out and softly cups the camel’s gеniтаls in his hand, and raises them up and down. “It’s about 2:00”, he says. The tourist can’t believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, “The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel’s gеniтаls!” One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel’s gеniтаls. The local says “Sit down here and grab the camel’s gеniтаls”. “Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.”
Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul, a banker, says to Morty, "Listen, Morty, I should probably tell you, I don't swim so well."
Morty, who worked as a lifeguard when he was younger, begins tugging and pulling on Saul, helping him float towards shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks, "Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul looks at Morty and then replies, "This is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"