Old People Jokes

A woman visited a modern-art gallery. One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches.
The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand you paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.
"I see," the woman replied innocently. "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"

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An Emergency Room resident intern began his examination of an elderly man by asking, “What brought you to the hospital?”
The old man replied, “An ambulance.”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says,
"It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says,
"Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says,
"I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says,
"Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Old People Jokes

Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.
"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."
"What did you do?"
"I hid his teeth."

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Jokes about Women Old People Jokes

“I think the Johnson’s are suffering from age related stress,” a woman said of her neighbors. “What do mean?” asked her husband. “He won’t act his age, and she won’t admit hers.”

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Jokes about Women Old People Jokes

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Неll’s Angels bikers walked in. …
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then he took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man’s milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles…”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex..”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.
But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony.
He cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.
The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style… it makes your nose look long!”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

They had a huge flower show at the County Convention Center Monday through Wednesday. The judges were going from booth to booth Wednesday afternoon to select the winners.
Things were going really well until about 3PM, when suddenly a crazy old man, about 80 years old, showed up, streaking up and down the aisles wearing nothing but a smile.
Security tried desperately to stop the old streaker, but he avoided them, knocking over vases and displays.
Believe it or not, it was the judges that stopped him … and more or less stopped the flower show altogether when they draped a ribbon around his neck.
He got a runner-up for a dried arrangement.

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Old People Jokes

Average:
Not too bright.
Exceptionally well qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
Active socially:
Drinks heavily.
Zealous attitude:
Opinionated.
Character above reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.
Unlimited potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.

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Old People Jokes

Pointing to a super train set, an old man said to the shop clerk, “I’ll take it.”
“I’m sure your grandson will like it, sir,” said the clerk.
“I suppose you are right,” sighed the old man, “You’d better give me two.”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

For some crazy reason, I was thinking about the old horror movie “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” today. Then I remembered it is time for this old man to cut his toenails. … Do you know how wild and tough toenails get at my age? I call it “The Chainsaw Manicure.”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

A man is left in charge with his neighbors house, including his cat and bedridden mother. One day the man on vacation calls to check up on things:
“How’s my cat?”
“I’m sorry to tell you that your cat died.”
“No, no, no. You aren’t supposed to just up and say that he died! The first time I call you say he’s up on the roof. The second time I call, you say the firemen are on their way. The third time I call, you say that the six days the feline spent on the roof wore his little heart out, and it gave out during surgery.”
“Oh. I’ll try to remember that next time. I’m very sorry.”
“It’s all right. I understand. So, how’s my mom doing?”
“She’s up on the roof.”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

“I see you’re losing your hair.”
“Nonsense. I know exactly where it is - down the bathroom sink.”

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Old People Jokes

A man walked into a restaurant and orders a chicken soup bowl a while later the waiter brings it to him. The old man quickly calls him back and says "waiter taste the soup" the waiter says "well what’s wrong with it"
"Just taste the soup" the old man insisted".
"Well what's wrong with the soup is it to hot to cold, what"! "Just taste the soup said the old man".
"Oh, all right where's the spoon".

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”
The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

An older couple is watching TV and the man kept changing the channel by mistake. His wife said,
"Honey, you need to spend less time on social media. You do know TV doesn’t have a like button right?"

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Men jokes Old People Jokes