Old People Jokes

A young man walks up to a park bench where an elderly gentleman is quietly weeping asks if he is OK. The old guy says,
"Yes, I am great"! I am in love with a beautiful 25 year old model who adores me. She cooks all my meals and we make sweet love nearly everyday".
The young man asks, "So why are YOU crying"?
The old guy says,
"I can't remember where I live...."

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An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?"
"That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked. "That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,” boasts the grandpa. "OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma. "As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said,
"Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

This man comes through a door to the bar and slipped on a pile of сrар, he mumbles and brushes himself off. He orders a drink and sits down. A few minutes later a younger man walks through the door yelling and screaming, and he slips on the pile of сrар. He gets up and looks around, and then he sits down next to the older guy. The older man says,
"I did that!" The younger man punches the old man and leaves.

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

An older man met an acquaintance and asked how his wife was: then, suddenly remembering that she had died, he blurted out, “Still in the same cemetery?”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

A senior couple pulls up to a rest stop to get something to eat.
Waiter:
"How may I help you?"
Elderly Man:
"Two hamburgers, please."
Elderly Lady:
"What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]:
"He asked what we wanted and I told him 'Two hamburgers'!"
Waiter:
"So, where are you heading?"
Elderly Man:
"To Chicago to see our grandchildren."
Elderly Lady:
"What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]:
"He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the grandkids!"
Waiter:
"It sure is a nice day for a drive."
Elderly Man:
"Yes, it's been quite pleasant."
Elderly Lady:
"What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]:
"He said it's good weather!"
Waiter:
"Where are you coming from?"
Elderly Man:
"We started our trip from Pittsburgh."
Elderly Lady:
"What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]:
"He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh!"
Waiter:
"I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and couldn't cook if her life depended on it."
Elderly Lady:
"What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]:
"He says he knows you!"

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

The frontier preacher was giving the traditional sermon on sin. "We should take all the whiskey and dump it in the river!" Back in the back of the church, a little old lady with a bonnet on stood up and shouted, "Amen, Amen!" and sat back down. The preacher smiled and continued, "And we should take all the sinful lusт and dump it in the river!" The little old lady jumped up and shouted, "Amen, Amen, Amen!” then sat back down. The preacher excitedly hollered, "And we should take all of the snuff in this world and dump it in the river!" And the little old lady stood up and said,
"Now you've stopped preaching and started meddling’!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

I ask my 85 year old grandpa to what he attributes his long life.
His answer... BREATHING!

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Old People Jokes

They say 1 in 3 people live next to a реdорhilе. Not me! I just live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year old.

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Old People Jokes

An elderly lady was sitting in a restaurant crying silently with tears collecting in a bowl of soup. Noticing this, the waiter walked over to her and politely said,"Lady that soup don't need no more salt".

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Old People Jokes

It's strange to think 75 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.

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Old People Jokes

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much вiggеr and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

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Old People Jokes

What has a whole bunch of little ваlls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

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Old People Jokes

At a party an elderly lady was bemoaning the behavior of the youth of today.
“Look at the girl over there,” she complained. “I don’t know what young girls are coming to! She’s wearing boy’s jeans, a boy’s shirt, and that haircut is so boyish - you wouldn’t know she was a girl at all, would you?”
“Well, as it happens, I would,” came the reply, “because she is my daughter.”
“Oh dear,” said the old lady embarrassed, “I’m so sorry - I didn’t know you were her father.”
“I’m not, I’m her mother.”

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Old People Jokes

Old Man1: My hands shake so badly, that I always cut my face while shaving.
Old Man2: That’s nothing. While рissing yesterday, I masturbated twice!!

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Old People Jokes

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says,
"You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says,
"You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memories just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

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Old People Jokes

Did it hurt when you felt from heaven?
Yeah, I died 5 years ago, like that puck up line.

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Old People Jokes

Barcelona made an incredible 859 passes the other night.
Liverpool could only manage that if they got Steven Gerrard out of retirement and put him on Mastermind.

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Sports Jokes Old People Jokes

Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle.

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Old People Jokes

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and replies,
"Close enough!"

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Old People Jokes