Political Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

I is very proud dat I went 2 school in da UK. I fink out of all 17 countries in da world UK is da best.

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Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead. At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. …
…
“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. …
…
“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”

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A politician died and went to the pearly gates. He peered over the angel's shoulder and saw several clocks. He asked the angel what the clocks represented. The angels told him the hands of the clock only move when someone is lying.
The man saw George Washington's clock on the wall and asked the angel about George's clock. “The hands only moved once. That was the time he lied to his father about the cherry tree.”
Then the man saw the clock that belonged to Abe Lincoln and asked about the hands on his clock. “The hands did not move because he was known as 'Honest Abe.'”
“Where is my clock?”
“Oh, it's in God's office. He is using it as a ceiling fаn."

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Q. Why is President Clinton the greatest president of all time?
A. Because he was always HARD at work.

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Term limits
Limit all politicians to TWO terms!!
One term in office
One term in prison

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, “Which way did you vote?”
I voted to leave, ” he replied. With that my dog bit him.
I carried on and I saw a woman, “Which way did you vote? ” I asked. ”
“I voted to leave, ” she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man, Which way did you vote?” I asked.
“I voted to remain, ” he said. With that my dog bit him.
My dog doesn’t give a fuск about politics.

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There was a strike today at work! After waiting a long time finally someone turned up who actually knows how to play ten-pin bowling!

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Donald Trump has outlined what he will be doing during the first 100 days in office.
Stomp around muttering , ” Fuскing вiтсh, it should have been me ”

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Many small towns in rural Maine are too small for a town manager so they elect (select) at their town meetings "Select Persons" to do the town's business. Athens was very proud that they elected the first female Select Person. She was not a native and had recently moved from New Jersey where things were very sophisticated compared to this 130 person town.
Wanting to impress the town's people her first decision was to convince the other two Select Persons to make the main street "One Way Only", just like her home town in NJ. The biggest problem resulting from this decision however, is that everyone can go to work, they just can't get back.

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How many Stalinists would it have taken to change a light bulb during the first 5 year plan?
None, for if the light bulb needed changing then comrade Stalin -- the most wonderous man alive and the embodiment of all that we Marxist-Leninist-Stalinists hold dear and aspire to -- would have foreseen the fact that the light bulb needed changing and so organized the 5 year plan to replace the light bulb before it needed changing from the vast stock of light bulbs which the plan had produced -- stocks in excess of the amount originally planned, for the workers were inspired by their love of Stalin and the Socialist Motherland to work harder and produce more, using less!

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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

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Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start
A conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump
In his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a whоrеhоusе,’
The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you?’
Obama replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whоrеhоusе smells like.’

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Every time I see a politician on the campaign trail, they make all kinds of promises they have no intention of living up to. Basically, our election system has become a more sophisticated version of that game you used to play with your dog when you were a kid, where you'd take a tennis ball and fake throw it and watch him run out and try to find it. 'What is that? Is that healthcare? You want healthcare, don't you? Go get it!'

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It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.
At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man, “said the politician,
“Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”
“Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”

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How do you spot a crooked politician?
It's easy... Go to your browser, go to search images, type in politicians... It works every time!

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The health service in this country is a disgrace. My doctor told me to run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost and 90 miles away from home.

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I really hate how politically correct the world is getting.
I can’t even say “black paint” anymore.
I have to say “Jamal can you please paint that wall for me?”.
=

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What would happen if Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton married each other?
For the first time in history, the White House would demand a very large security deposit.

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Just bought a really cheap umbrella that has just fell to bits. I wish kids in 3rd world would take more pride in their work.

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A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you sтuрid? Are you an idiот? Out of your mind? Are you rетаrdеd?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

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