Religion jokes - Page 17

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

0 0

Religion jokes

A Christian family was at a pet store when the owner suggested that they get a Bible Dog.
Family: Bible Dog?
Owner: Watch. Bible Dog pray! (Bible Dog starts praying.)

Owner: Bible Dog read! (Bible Dog starts reading scripture.)
Family: We'll take him.

One week later the family hosts a party. The family shows off the Bible Dog by doing the same tricks that the owner showed them. One of the guests say that's fine, but can he do normal tricks.

Family: Bible Dog sit! (Nothing happens.)
Family: Bible Dog come! (Nothing happens.)

Family: Bible Dog heel!
Bible Dog stands on his two feet and lays a hand on one of the family's head and says, "You've been saved!!!"

0 0

Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Christian Jokes Dog jokes

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna кill him."

0 0

Religion jokes

“Jesus loves you.”. A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

0 0

Religion jokes

One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go. One hour later, the high priestess says,
"I think I forgot the food!" She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back! As they are eating, the priest thinks, "What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin' on the water?" Right then, the rabbi says,
"Oye! I forgot the drinks." He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks. By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water. The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says,
"You think we should have told him about the rocks?"

0 0

Religion jokes Food Jokes

What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a Catholic wife? A Jewish wife has real diamonds, a Catholic wife has real оrgаsмs.

0 0

Religion jokes

Three priests and three young boys are on a boat on the ocean. The boat starts to sink and first priest says,
"Save the boys!" The second priest says,
"fuск the boys!" The third priest says,
"Do you think we have time?!"

0 0

Religion jokes

Religion is like a реnis: it's good to have one and it's good to be proud of it, but the problem starts when you begin flaunting it in public.

0 0

Religion jokes

When Раddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Раddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Раddy asked,
"Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Раddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

0 0

Religion jokes Animal Jokes

Four nuns die and are in line to get into Heaven. St. Peter appears and tells them they can get in, but must do one last confession. The first nun confesses to seeing a реnis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her eyes in holy water, say 10 Hail Marys, and she can get in. The second nun admits to touching a реnis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her hand in holy water, say 20 Hail Marys, and she can get in. Seeing this, the fourth nun taps the third nun's shoulder and says,
"Can I cut in front of you? I'm going to need to rinse my mouth and I know you need to rinse your аsshоlе."

0 0

Religion jokes

A church's веll ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the веll tower and the guy ran toward the веll and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the веll, tripped, bounced off the веll and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked,
"Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a веll."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant веll ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the веll tower, where he ran at the веll, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked,
"Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

0 0

Religion jokes Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!

0 0

Jokes about Women Religion jokes Kids Jokes

A substitute for a Catholic priest is hearing confessions. He is confused about what to recommend a confessor should do to rectify guilt sustained, after doing a sеxuаl favor for her boss. He sticks his head out of the confessional and asks a nearby alter boy what the father gives for a bl*wjob. The alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a ride home."

0 0

Religion jokes

It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill. Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus calls to Peter, and again, Peter attempts to answer, but the guards bring him to a hault. Peter weeps in remorse. One last time, Jesus moans for Peter's appearance. Determined not to fail his Grace, Peter shoves past the standing guards and triumphantly stands at the bleeding feet of his King. "My Lord, anything for you. What is it, my King?"
"Peter," Jesus painstakingly replies. "Yes, what is it you must tell me?" Peter anxiously asks. "Peter, I, I, I can see your house from up here."

0 0

Religion jokes

A teacher was testing her students' knowledge of words' antonyms. She asked,
"What is the opposite go?" A student answered, "Stop."
"Very good," the teacher replied. "What is the opposite of adamant?" Another student said,
"Eveant."

0 0

Religion jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

You know what Adam said to Eve? "Watch out, I don’t know how big this gets."

0 0

Religion jokes

The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says,
"Come on in man!" Confused, the swindler questions, "But I thought I would be going to Неll for all of the bad things I did." St. Peter replies,
"Oh, we don't keep records here, it's too much work!" The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?" St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don't keep records, too!"

0 0

Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

Adam was lonely, so he asked God for company. God agreed, but said,
"Don't let her in the water." Adam agreed and Eve appeared the next day. Adam was so excited, he went in the lake to get cleaned up. Eve wanted to go in, but knew she wasn't allowed. A few months go by and she gets tired of not being able to go in the water. As she runs to the water, she tears off her fig leaf and splash! God says,
"Oh great! Now the fish will smell like that!"

0 0

Religion jokes God Jokes

Why did all the hippies go to church on the first day of Lent? A: They heard it was "Hash Wednesday."

0 0

Religion jokes

Jesus' away message on Good Friday, "BRB."

0 0

Religion jokes