Religion jokes

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Father Pedro was called to a house to attempt to expel an evil spirit from an elderly woman. He brought an assistant pastor to help with the procedure. The woman's daughter answered the door and motioned to where her mother was sitting. The Father walked over to the woman, waved a cross, and shouted, "Out, demon!"
He then tore off his robe, revealing running shoes and jogging shorts. Then, he rushed out the door and ran a quick mile around the block. Returning to the house and donning his robe, he went over to the woman and shouted, "Out, you filthy devil!"
And again, after removing his priest's outfit, he was out the door to run another mile. The old woman's daughter was confused about the priest's behavior and asked the assistantpastor, "What in the world is going on here?"
To which the pastor answered, "Oh, that's just the way Father Pedro exorcises!"
Jokes about Women Religion jokes
A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son-of-a-вiтсh,” he yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language.”
“Sorry, Sister”, he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. “Son-of-a-вiтсh”, he yelled again.
“Please, don’t use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn’t help us.”
“But I get so upset, and it just comes out.”
“Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset, something like ‘Sweet Jesus, help me.”
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say “So..”, but he corrected himself and said, “Sweet Jesus help me.” At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car and said, “Son-of-a-вiтсh!”
Religion jokes Men jokes
A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read:
“Pets welcome, Jews not welcome”.
Undaunted by this the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.
The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vacancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”
The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”
Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I will have you know I have converted to your religion.”
The innkeeper said, ‘Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”
Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “He was born of the virgin Mary in a small town of Bethlehem in a manger.
The innkeeper said, “That’s right and why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME ВLООDУ SORRY АSS OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A F**KING ROOM”
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Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter told the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”
“Which is …?”, they replied in unison.
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl.
“Oh yes”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the golden key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the second girl.
“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the silver key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the third girl.
“Oh no, not at all”, she said. “I practically had sеx with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… my room key.”
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There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastic products to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burned to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything. …
…
Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, “I need help! My warehouse burned to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!”
The minister told him, “You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible.”
The guy asked, “Where should I start?”
The minister answered, “If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers.”
Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, “Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!”
The minister was curious and said, “In what passage did you find your answers?”
The man says, “I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - “Chapter 11.”
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. …
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One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.” …
…
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”
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