Religion jokes - Page 27

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a вrаssiеrе tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the вrаssiеrе came from.
The shocked priest says, “Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a вrаssiеrе.”
“But Father, I have a divine right,” she informs.
“Yes, I see…. And your left one isn’t bad either, but you still cannot enter the church like that!”

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Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

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What's funny is that these аsshоlеs claim that their religion is all about peace and it doesn't practice violence etc... yet since the year 2000 they have committed 204 separate terrorist attacks all over the world. 204 Two Hundred and Fuскing Four separate attacks on innocent people, tell me that's funny. Fuскing аsshоlеs. Don't claim your religion isn't a violent religion. I have to also say that it's not all Muslim's that are terrorists, Vote Kickass if you agree

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A husband came home from work one evening and walked into the kitchen where his wife was cooking dinner. He looked into the pots on the stove and smelled their content.
"Is the Preacher coming for dinner," he asked.
"No, he isn't," his wife replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, you've prepared a burnt offering. I just assumed something religious was going on."

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Some people have a hard time understanding how Noah could fit all those animals inside the ark...
But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power тооl.

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A man was finally rescued, after having been on a deserted island for 10 years. The first question he was asked was why there were three huts on the island if he was alone.
He replied, "The first one is my home, the second is my church and the third is the church I used to attend."

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A fellow was boasting about what a good citizen he was and what a refined, disciplined lifestyle he led. "I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I don't cheat on my wife, I am early to bed and early to rise, I work hard all day, and attend religious services faithfully."
Very impressive, right? Then he added, "I've been like this for the last five years, but just you wait until they let me out of this place!"

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes

Father Pedro was called to a house to attempt to expel an evil spirit from an elderly woman. He brought an assistant pastor to help with the procedure. The woman's daughter answered the door and motioned to where her mother was sitting. The Father walked over to the woman, waved a cross, and shouted, "Out, demon!"
He then tore off his robe, revealing running shoes and jogging shorts. Then, he rushed out the door and ran a quick mile around the block. Returning to the house and donning his robe, he went over to the woman and shouted, "Out, you filthy devil!"
And again, after removing his priest's outfit, he was out the door to run another mile. The old woman's daughter was confused about the priest's behavior and asked the assistantpastor, "What in the world is going on here?"
To which the pastor answered, "Oh, that's just the way Father Pedro exorcises!"

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes

A man was complaining that his wife refused to make his morning coffee.
She shrugged and said. "In the Bible, we are told the man is to make the coffee."
He stares at her for a moment before informing her that he had never heard such a passage.
She smiled, rose and retrieved her Bible from the living room. She leafed through it for a moment before laying it on the table in front of him.
He glanced at it and sighs, seeing that she opened the Bible to:
"Hebrews".

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A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son-of-a-вiтсh,” he yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language.”
“Sorry, Sister”, he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. “Son-of-a-вiтсh”, he yelled again.
“Please, don’t use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn’t help us.”
“But I get so upset, and it just comes out.”
“Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset, something like ‘Sweet Jesus, help me.”
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say “So..”, but he corrected himself and said, “Sweet Jesus help me.” At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car and said, “Son-of-a-вiтсh!”

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After a worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again."
It worked.

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes

A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read:
“Pets welcome, Jews not welcome”.
Undaunted by this the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.
The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vacancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”
The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”
Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I will have you know I have converted to your religion.”
The innkeeper said, ‘Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”
Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “He was born of the virgin Mary in a small town of Bethlehem in a manger.
The innkeeper said, “That’s right and why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME ВLООDУ SORRY АSS OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A F**KING ROOM”

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Why do Muslim women hate wearing tight trousers? Because it makes their bomb look big.

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter told the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”
“Which is …?”, they replied in unison.
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl.
“Oh yes”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the golden key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the second girl.
“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the silver key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the third girl.
“Oh no, not at all”, she said. “I practically had sеx with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… my room key.”

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Interracial dating is becoming more popular. I see people dating, man -- different cultures, different ethnic groups, different religions, man. 'Cause people looking for love! They ain't got time to wait for the colors to match.

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. As the car was moving the man placed his hand on the laps of the sister pretending he was looking for the gear lever. The sister cast a glance at him and said Matthew chapter 7 vs 7″. The man quickly removed his hand.
After a short time the man placed his hand again on the laps of the sister. The sister said to him again ;”Matthew 7 vs 7″. The man nervously removed his hand.
The sister reached her destination and got off the car, cast another glance at the man and said “So you don’t read your Bible!”
When the man got home he opened his Bible to Matthew 7 vs 7 it says “ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO U”.

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The pope and one of his aides were traveling across the Atlantic on plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his crossword puzzles.
Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers:
“what’s a 4-letter word that means ‘woman’ that ends in unt?”
His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, “I have it. it’s Aunt.”
“Oh dear”, says the pope, “do you have an eraser?”

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes

A woman called on a Catholic priest and asked him if he would preach a funeral for her dog who had just died. …
“I can’t do that, ma’am,” he said. “Why don’t you try the Presbyterian minister?”…..
“All right,” she said, “but can you give me some advice. How much should I pay him - three thousand dollars or four thousand dollars?” …
“Hold on,” the Priest said, “I didn’t know your dog was Catholic!”

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes

When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve became suspicious and upset. "You're running around with other women, aren't you?" she accused.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam asked, half asleep.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes

There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastic products to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burned to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything. …
…
Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, “I need help! My warehouse burned to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!”
The minister told him, “You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible.”
The guy asked, “Where should I start?”
The minister answered, “If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers.”
Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.
The guy walks over to the minister and says, “Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!”
The minister was curious and said, “In what passage did you find your answers?”
The man says, “I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - “Chapter 11.”

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