Religion jokes - Page 28

At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi:
“Rabbi, why do people hate Jews so much?” The Rabbi thinks for a while and says “That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vоdка! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vоdка, so we can mix it all up in a big vessel and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear.” …
…
The young Jew went home and thought to himself “if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vоdка, I’ll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser.”
Next day the young Jew showed up with a vоdка bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vоdка together in a vessel and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - “Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?”
The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said “Drink this now!”
The young Jew drank the cup and said “But this is just water!” And the Rabbi said, “and that is why the people hate us”

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A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says,
"That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"
The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says,
"Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

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Religion jokes

A Catholic Priest and a little altar boy are walking into some dark, spooky, abandoned woods.
The altar boy says, “Father, I’m scared.”
The priest says “You’re scared? I’m going to have to come back this way on my own.”

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Religion jokes

"Did you know Job spoke when he was a very small baby?"
"Where does it say that?"
"It says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"

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Religion jokes

Three religious leaders walk into a bar. A Pastor, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister.
The bartender looks up and says,
"What is this, some kind of a joke???"

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Religion jokes

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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Religion jokes

If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.”
No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

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Religion jokes

Charles Darwin was wrong we’re nothing like monkeys. I wish he was around now so I could throw my feces in his face.

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Religion jokes

Q. What was Adam and Eve's address after they were thrown out the Garden of Eden?
A. 281 Apple

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Religion jokes

How does a pastor keep the wheels of the church turning?
By preaching about hеll, fire and bridgestone!

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Religion jokes

If Моsеs would have swallowed his pride and asked for directions, it probably would have taken them 40 years to cross the desert.

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Religion jokes

There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said “If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town.”
Now the people really liked the priest and didn’t want to see him leave so they decided to start calling adultery something else. Eventually the word “fallen” replaced the word adultery, and people would confess to having fallen. This satisfied the priest and he stayed in that town for many more years until his eventual death.
After his death a new priest came to town and after a week came to the mayor. “Mr. Mayor you must do something about your sidewalks. I’ve had a dozen people come to me saying they’ve fallen.”
At this point the Mayor starts laughing, realizing that no one had told the new priest what “fallen” stands for. But before the mayor could say anything, the priest interrupts him. “I don’t know why you’re laughing Mr. Mayor, your wife said she fell five times this week.”

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Just seen a sign outside my local church that said “Why ask Google when Jesus has all the answers!”
So I went inside and asked them if they know any good мidgет p0rn websites.

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Religion jokes

This Priest dies and goes to Heaven…
When he gets there, he finds he’s being judged at the same time as a taxi driver. Sаinт Peter declares that the priest is going to hеll and the taxi driver is going to heaven.
The priest is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hеll, and someone like a mere taxi driver could achieve heaven.
“Well,” says Sаinт Peter. “When you were preaching your sermons, you didn’t do that much to increase piety in the world. In fact you put scores of people to sleep in the pews. But this taxi driver? You can’t believe how many people were wide awake, fervently praying as he sped through the streets.”

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Religion jokes Car and driving jokes Judge and Court Jokes Priest Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes Tree jokes Priest Jokes

What do you call an Arab who has a positive attitude and always sees the bright side of life??
A Sunni Muslim

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Religion jokes

Have you heard about the new boy band that is taking Saudi Arabia by storm?? They’re called the Burka Street Boys.

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Religion jokes

A priest asked a group of fourth graders in a religious class, "How many of you would like to go to heaven?"
All raised their hands except Johnny. The priest asked Johnny why he didn't want to go to heaven.
Johnny said,
"I do, but I thought you wanted to go right now."

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Religion jokes

One night a priest who is driving erratically gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him if he's been drinking. The priest says he's been drinking water all night. The cop sees a bottle of wine in the passenger seat and tells the priest what he sees.
The priest then nonchalantly says to the cop, "Jesus has done it again!"

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How do you castrate a priest?
Kick the alter boy in the back of the head.

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Religion jokes

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was nакеd."

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Religion jokes