Religion jokes - Page 29

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’sWitness …”
I said. “Come in and sit down.”
I offered him coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
He said, “Вuggеrеd if I know. I’ve never got this far before.”

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Monday morning a man bumped into the priest, “Good morning Father, you should know, I was by your sermon yesterday, and I couldn't fall asleep last night!"
“Why what was it that I said?" asked the priest.
“Oh no, I wasn't listening to what you said, I slept the whole way through."

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression, he said,
"If I had all the вееr in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said,
" And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He then sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

Tuna, again??
Seymour was a good and pious Irishman, and when he passed away, the Lord Himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
“Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked.
“I could eat,” said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into hеll and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries, Guinness Stout and good Irish whiskey.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, “I could eat.”
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, 100year-old French brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, “Lord, I am very happy to be be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. In the other place, they eat like Kings. I just don’t understand.”
“To be honest, Seymour,” the Lord said, “for just two people, does it pay to cook?”

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi:
“Rabbi, why do people hate Jews so much?” The Rabbi thinks for a while and says “That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vоdка! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vоdка, so we can mix it all up in a big vessel and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear.” …
…
The young Jew went home and thought to himself “if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vоdка, I’ll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser.”
Next day the young Jew showed up with a vоdка bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vоdка together in a vessel and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - “Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?”
The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said “Drink this now!”
The young Jew drank the cup and said “But this is just water!” And the Rabbi said, “and that is why the people hate us”

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says,
"That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"
The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says,
"Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

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Religion jokes

A Catholic Priest and a little altar boy are walking into some dark, spooky, abandoned woods.
The altar boy says, “Father, I’m scared.”
The priest says “You’re scared? I’m going to have to come back this way on my own.”

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Religion jokes

"Did you know Job spoke when he was a very small baby?"
"Where does it say that?"
"It says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"

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Religion jokes

Three religious leaders walk into a bar. A Pastor, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister.
The bartender looks up and says,
"What is this, some kind of a joke???"

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Religion jokes

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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Religion jokes

If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.”
No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

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Religion jokes

Charles Darwin was wrong we’re nothing like monkeys. I wish he was around now so I could throw my feces in his face.

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Religion jokes

Q. What was Adam and Eve's address after they were thrown out the Garden of Eden?
A. 281 Apple

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Religion jokes

How does a pastor keep the wheels of the church turning?
By preaching about hеll, fire and bridgestone!

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Religion jokes

If Моsеs would have swallowed his pride and asked for directions, it probably would have taken them 40 years to cross the desert.

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Religion jokes

There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said “If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town.”
Now the people really liked the priest and didn’t want to see him leave so they decided to start calling adultery something else. Eventually the word “fallen” replaced the word adultery, and people would confess to having fallen. This satisfied the priest and he stayed in that town for many more years until his eventual death.
After his death a new priest came to town and after a week came to the mayor. “Mr. Mayor you must do something about your sidewalks. I’ve had a dozen people come to me saying they’ve fallen.”
At this point the Mayor starts laughing, realizing that no one had told the new priest what “fallen” stands for. But before the mayor could say anything, the priest interrupts him. “I don’t know why you’re laughing Mr. Mayor, your wife said she fell five times this week.”

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Cheating Jokes Religion jokes Priest Jokes

Just seen a sign outside my local church that said “Why ask Google when Jesus has all the answers!”
So I went inside and asked them if they know any good мidgет p0rn websites.

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Religion jokes

This Priest dies and goes to Heaven…
When he gets there, he finds he’s being judged at the same time as a taxi driver. Sаinт Peter declares that the priest is going to hеll and the taxi driver is going to heaven.
The priest is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hеll, and someone like a mere taxi driver could achieve heaven.
“Well,” says Sаinт Peter. “When you were preaching your sermons, you didn’t do that much to increase piety in the world. In fact you put scores of people to sleep in the pews. But this taxi driver? You can’t believe how many people were wide awake, fervently praying as he sped through the streets.”

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Religion jokes Tree jokes Car and driving jokes Priest Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Priest Jokes

What do you call an Arab who has a positive attitude and always sees the bright side of life??
A Sunni Muslim

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Religion jokes

Have you heard about the new boy band that is taking Saudi Arabia by storm?? They’re called the Burka Street Boys.

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Religion jokes