Sex Jokes - Page 35

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper.
"Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
Two days later her doorbell rings.
"Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you are great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Tim replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

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A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunк, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Golf jokes

Viаgrа is like Disneyland; a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

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Sex Jokes Viagra jokes

‘Doctor, I suffer from premature еjасulатiоn.
Can you help me?!’
‘No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span!’

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sеx.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sеx maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have оrаl sеx now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

Once while having SЕX in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sреrм escaped and ran into the engine.
We now know this truck.... As Optimus Prime.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sex Jokes

Why do men like маsтurватiоn?
It's sеx with someone they love.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left вrеаsт, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right вrеаsт. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again:
"Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try оrаl sеx.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

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Men vs Women Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

There was a boy watching tv with his parents.
A sеx scene comes on.
The boy asks what the people are doing.
The mom said "they were just making a cake."
The boy goes"oh yea, I saw u and daddy making a cake yesterday and I Licked up all the icing."

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

I think you’ll find that any of my lady companions will tell you I’m a ‘five times a night man’.
I really shouldn’t drink so much tea before I go to bed.

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sеx do you ever smoke?’
Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

It’s the morning after the honeymoon.
The wife says, ‘You know, you’re a really lousy lover.’
The husband replies, ‘How can you possible tell that after only 30 seconds.’

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Sex Jokes

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.
They undressed and were about to sсrеw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest вrеаsтs I ever seen!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sеx when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Food Jokes

She’s like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country.

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Sex Jokes

Why do blondes need to have оrgаsмs?
So they know when to stop having sеx.

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Blonde Jokes Sex Jokes

Whats the definition of vаginа?
The box a реnis comes in.

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Sex Jokes

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sеx?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

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Lawyer Jokes Sex Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sеx with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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