Stupid Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

My wife says I’m too impulsive.
What the fuск does she know? She only met me yesterday.

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Stupid Jokes

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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Stupid Jokes

Tried robbing a bank earlier.
I didn’t get very far, the pen was ripped out of my hand by the chain it was attached to.

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Stupid Jokes

I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some сunт had stuffed my pillow with onions.

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Stupid Jokes

Sven::
“Ollie, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking.” …..
….
Ollie:
“Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No….”

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Stupid Jokes

Just found a hat with a hundred bucks in it!!!
The guy playing the guitar was well jealous that he never noticed it first!
Chased me all the way down the street.

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Stupid Jokes

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, “I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, I woke up this morning and they were both dead.”
“I did warn you about the hot weather,” she replied, “Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?”
“Yes, I filled their tank right to the top.”

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Stupid Jokes

My mate said, “I hope I win the lottery tonight. I’ve got 6, 3, 20, 38, 15, 42 as my numbers, what are the odds?”
I said, “3 and 15.”

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Stupid Jokes

Some really confident people say, ‘Nothing is impossible’
The clearly have not tried to staple water to a tree!

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Stupid Jokes

A bloke just knocked on my door and said, “Hi, I thought I’d let you know that you’ve left your lights on”.
I said, “Yeah I know mate, I can’t see my way around the house otherwise”.

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Stupid Jokes

Piracy is killing the music industry.
You try playing the guitar with a hook.

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Stupid Jokes

The Japanese flag is actually a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

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Stupid Jokes

The tube this morning had delays of up to an hour.
I didn’t give a fuск though, the trains from an hour ago turned up at exactly the same time as my normal train did.

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Stupid Jokes

Sven and Ollie were building a shed. Sven was holding a board and Ollie was sawing it. All of a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven’s ears. They both were digging through the sawdust to find it, and Ollie picked up an ear. …
….
Ollie says, ” Is dis it?
Sven says, “Naw, mine had a pencil behind it.”

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Stupid Jokes

My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking..
“Wow, I can teleport”.

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Stupid Jokes

Lars and Bjorn have a plan to forge ten dollar bills. ….
…..
They will scrape one zero off of every hundred bill.

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Stupid Jokes

As I stood smoking outside the pub last night, some random bloke walked up to me and said, “Have you got a cigarette?”
“Yes.” I replied.
After a few seconds he looked at me and said, “Well, where is it then?”
I said, “Between my fсuкing fingers, you blind тwат.”

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Stupid Jokes

The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?”
Well, swimming, I suppose.

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Stupid Jokes

Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

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Stupid Jokes

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses.”
I thought that didn’t sound right so I tried again;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese.”
Nope, that still didn’t sound right;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi.”
Ahh fuск it I thought,
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.
P. S. Send me another one.”

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Stupid Jokes