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Stupid Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to 10.
Unless of course you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.

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Stupid Jokes

I just threw a frying pan for my dog, but he wouldn’t fetch.
Then I realised. It’s non-stick.

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Stupid Jokes

“Seriously, you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked this girl in a nightclub. “What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to fuскing happen, they died 6 years ago!” I snapped.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
“Of course I fuскing am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”

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Stupid Jokes

I took a photo of a mouse today.
He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it.

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Stupid Jokes

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuск myself.

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Stupid Jokes

I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, “Sorry but I forgot what room I’m in.”
“No problem Sir, this is called the lobby.”

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Stupid Jokes Hotel Jokes

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, “Where’s the ladies mate?”
He said, “Just around the corner, on your left.”
30 seconds later I went back and said, “They must’ve gone mate, there’s only toilets around there.”

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Stupid Jokes

Went to the Opticians the other day. He said ‘what seems to be the problem?’.
I said ‘I can’t see very far’. He took me outside and pointed at the sky and said ‘what’s that?’ I said ‘The Sun’
He replied ‘how far do you wanna fuскing see’

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Stupid Jokes

I went to the ATM this morning and it said “insufficient funds”.
I’m wondering, is it them or me?

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Stupid Jokes

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for in case of such emergencies.

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Stupid Jokes

What’s the heaviest thing in the world? ….
…
Crap - Even an elephant can’t hold it.

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Stupid Jokes

A 3d-printer that can make guns?
Pffft, that’s nothing!
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

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Stupid Jokes

The wife just asked, “What’s that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?”
I said, “It’s a dead Jedi.”

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Stupid Jokes

Why is the giraffe’s neck so long? ….
….
Because its head is so far from its shoulders.

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Stupid Jokes

My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.

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Stupid Jokes

Kentucky has entered the revenue raising race with its own $5 Million Dollar State Lottery. ….
….
The winner gets $5 a year for a million years.

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Stupid Jokes

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

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Stupid Jokes

I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, “I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks.”
She wasn’t wearing any socks. Sтuрid вiтсh.

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Stupid Jokes

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.

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Stupid Jokes

I was doing my lottery tickets on Saturday, and thought I’d steal the pen.
“Get that out of your pocket!” said the shop keeper as I went to walk out.
“How the fuск did you notice?” I asked.
“The stand trailing behind you kind of gave you away,” he replied.

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Stupid Jokes