Stupid / Dumb Jokes

Dаrn!! My pet toad has a fever! Temperature is 103°F. (38.5°C.)
I called my veterinarian. He said, “It’s not a good idea to take the toad out of its toad environment. Why don’t you drop by the clinic and bring a stool sample?”
Sounds easy enough. I over-watered my vegetable garden three days ago and I’ve got lots of toadstools next to the carrots..

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Stupid Jokes

Japanese couple having an argument:
Husband “Sukitaki!”
Wife replies “Kowanini!”
Husband “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife, on her knees literally begging “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband replies angrily “kina tim kouji!”
And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

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Stupid Jokes

Thank fuск I went to a psychic. She told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money…
Best 100 bucks I’ve ever spent!

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Money jokes Stupid Jokes

I’m sick of everyone calling me lazy, so I’ve decided I’m going to commit suicide.
I’ve hired a hit-man for the job.

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes

I’ve just got first place in a national bullshitting competition.
Well, I actually came 12th.
To be honest, there wasn’t even a competition.

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Nationality Jokes Stupid Jokes

I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, “Dad, I need a shiт.”
“Go and have one then,” I said. “That’s the beauty of camping, you can shiт anywhere you want and you can’t get into trouble.”
He walked off and came back a few minutes later.
“Where did you have one?” I asked.
He said, “In your car.”

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Dad Jokes Stupid Jokes

Every day, man is making вiggеr and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making вiggеr and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes

Alas, the addition of lye and salt (“Surströmming”) to the lutefisk didn’t prevent it from spoiling and Ollie, Sven and Lars tragically die eating bad Lutefisk and drinking too much Scandinavian aquavit. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. …
…
God says, “There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh, you go to hеll.” …
…
So they start walking and reach the first 1,000th step. God tells a hilarious joke, Lars laughs out loud and whoosh! goes straight to hеll. Ollie and Sven look at each other nervously. …
….
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and whoooosh! goes to straight to hеll…
…
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn’t laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, Ollie bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?”.
Ollie replies, “Oh dot’s funny. I yust got da furst yoke!”.

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God Jokes Stupid Jokes

News - “World’s oldest man dies”
Why does this keep happening?!

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

A First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru’ a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.
FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?
Woman: Well. I live alone.
FCM: I’m an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I got only one bed.
FCM: No problem. I’m an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I go to bed nакеd.
FCM: No problem. I’m an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: Be my guest, FCM.
Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.
FCM: Good birds you got there.
Woman: Yeah.
FCM: How many соскs and how many hens?
Woman: Two hundred hens, one соск.
FCM: But I can see over a dozen соскs around.
Woman: Only one соск over there. The others are first class magistrates.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Stupid Jokes

Patient:
“Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong with me”.
Doctor:
“Take these pills, I don’t know what they’re for”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

News: Man ‘hid partner’s body in case’
In case of what? Don’t keep us in suspense.

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I told the lady at the desk that I invented a folding bottle. She asked me what I called it.
“A Fottle,” I said.
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

I just read that iPhone users have more sеx than Blackberry users.
Should I worry that my girlfriend has an iPhone and I have a Blackberry?

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Sex Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes Stupid Jokes

This police officer stops this woman on the highway and walks up to her and asks her if she know why he stopped her. …
…
“No.”, the woman replies. …
…
“Because you don’t have any tail lights”, the police officer told her. So she get out and walks around to the back of the car and starts crying. …
…
“It’s just tail lights you don’t need to cry.” …
…
“It’s not that, …. uhhh, where is my trailer”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes

I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.
I said, “Apparently, he said the ‘c’ word.”
She said, “Well that wasn’t clever was it?”
I replied, “No… It was ‘c*nt’.”

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School Jokes Stupid Jokes

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.
“Erm… Morning,” I said, “I need some erm… God, this is embarrassing…”
“Don’t you worry sir,” she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, “I get this every day!”
I smiled back.
“Condoms?” she said.
“No,” I said.
“Suppositories?” she said.
No, I said.
Tampons?
No.
Well, it can’t be that embarrassing then, sir, she said with a smile.
Paracetamol, I said.
Paracetamol? she gave me a puzzled look. $1.99 please. What’s so embarrassing?
Then I pulled out my little pink purse.

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God Jokes Stupid Jokes

I met a guy today who told me he worked as a limb stretcher.
Turns out the ваsтаrd was pulling my leg.

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

I just gave my cat some 7UP.
Now he’s got 16 lives.

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Stupid Jokes Cat jokes

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”
She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s.
Thank you so much she said, Where is it?
I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.

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Jokes about Women Stupid Jokes