Stupid / Dumb Jokes

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.
He said, “Dave, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.”
Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

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Ollie sees his doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota: “I got a problem. I have a big воwеl movement at 6 in da morning every day.” …
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Doctor: “That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?” …
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Ollie: “Yah, but I don’t vake up until 7.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

A homeless guy just approached me asking for change.
I said, “Oh yeah, pal, asking me for money but I see you can afford those trendy jeans with the rips in.”

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Money jokes Stupid Jokes

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,--which I got wrong.
The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair ?”
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

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Jokes about Women Stupid Jokes

A highways agency warning said anyone traveling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.
I looked a right тwат on the bus this morning

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Food Jokes Stupid Jokes

Ollie and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, “There are no fish under the ice.” …
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Ollie an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, “There are no fish under the ice.”
They both looked around and then looked up. Ollie said in a humble voice, “Are you God?”
The voice spoke back, “No ya idiots! I’m da ice rink attendant.”

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God Jokes Stupid Jokes

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, “Do you think I’m sтuрid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”
I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”
He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

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Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes

I won’t say I’m awkward around women….
But i once chatted up a blind girl with sign language.

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Jokes about Women Stupid Jokes

I saw an article in the papers saying, “Have you seen this man?” with a little picture of the criminal and a number to call.
I was bored so I rung them up and said, “No, I haven’t.”

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes

A First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru’ a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.
FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?
Woman: Well. I live alone.
FCM: I’m an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I got only one bed.
FCM: No problem. I’m an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I go to bed nакеd.
FCM: No problem. I’m an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: Be my guest, FCM.
Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.
FCM: Good birds you got there.
Woman: Yeah.
FCM: How many соскs and how many hens?
Woman: Two hundred hens, one соск.
FCM: But I can see over a dozen соскs around.
Woman: Only one соск over there. The others are first class magistrates.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Stupid Jokes

Patient:
“Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong with me”.
Doctor:
“Take these pills, I don’t know what they’re for”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

News: Man ‘hid partner’s body in case’
In case of what? Don’t keep us in suspense.

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I told the lady at the desk that I invented a folding bottle. She asked me what I called it.
“A Fottle,” I said.
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

I just read that iPhone users have more sеx than Blackberry users.
Should I worry that my girlfriend has an iPhone and I have a Blackberry?

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Sex Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes Stupid Jokes

This police officer stops this woman on the highway and walks up to her and asks her if she know why he stopped her. …
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“No.”, the woman replies. …
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“Because you don’t have any tail lights”, the police officer told her. So she get out and walks around to the back of the car and starts crying. …
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“It’s just tail lights you don’t need to cry.” …
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“It’s not that, …. uhhh, where is my trailer”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes

I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.
I said, “Apparently, he said the ‘c’ word.”
She said, “Well that wasn’t clever was it?”
I replied, “No… It was ‘c*nt’.”

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School Jokes Stupid Jokes

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.
“Erm… Morning,” I said, “I need some erm… God, this is embarrassing…”
“Don’t you worry sir,” she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, “I get this every day!”
I smiled back.
“Condoms?” she said.
“No,” I said.
“Suppositories?” she said.
No, I said.
Tampons?
No.
Well, it can’t be that embarrassing then, sir, she said with a smile.
Paracetamol, I said.
Paracetamol? she gave me a puzzled look. $1.99 please. What’s so embarrassing?
Then I pulled out my little pink purse.

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God Jokes Stupid Jokes

I met a guy today who told me he worked as a limb stretcher.
Turns out the ваsтаrd was pulling my leg.

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

I just gave my cat some 7UP.
Now he’s got 16 lives.

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Stupid Jokes Cat jokes

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”
She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s.
Thank you so much she said, Where is it?
I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.

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Jokes about Women Stupid Jokes