Stupid / Dumb Jokes

I bought a deodorant stick today. I’d never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said ‘Remove top and slowly push up bottom.’
I’m in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!!

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Stupid Jokes

Billy Ray and Billie Bob are driving home from a party. Billy Ray runs a red light. Billie Bob says, “Hey! What the fсuк are you doing! That light was red!”
Billy Ray replies, “Don’t worry, my brother does it all the time, it’s OK.” Then he does it again.
Billie Bob:
- ” Dамn it, you done it again!”
Billy Ray:
“It’s OK, I tell you. My brother does it all the time.” The next light is green. Billy Ray slams on the brakes.
Billie Bob:
“Where did you learn to drive? That was green. You are supposed to go through.”
Billy Ray:
“Well I would have, but this is my brother’s side of town and he might be coming through!

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Stupid Jokes

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.

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Stupid Jokes

Lip Rings do not make you more attractive … …
…
They make you look like a fish that got away.

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Stupid Jokes

I was playing Scrabble with the wife when I put down AWORD.
She said, “That’s not A word.”
I said, “It quite clearly is.”

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Stupid Jokes

I was really shocked today when a ladybird landed on my face.
It’s not something you expect in Bangkok.

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Stupid Jokes

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, ok, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh1t in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird sh1t.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”

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Stupid Jokes

Dаrn!! My pet toad has a fever! Temperature is 103°F. (38.5°C.)
I called my veterinarian. He said, “It’s not a good idea to take the toad out of its toad environment. Why don’t you drop by the clinic and bring a stool sample?”
Sounds easy enough. I over-watered my vegetable garden three days ago and I’ve got lots of toadstools next to the carrots..

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Stupid Jokes

Japanese couple having an argument:
Husband “Sukitaki!”
Wife replies “Kowanini!”
Husband “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife, on her knees literally begging “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband replies angrily “kina tim kouji!”
And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

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Stupid Jokes

Thank fuск I went to a psychic. She told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money…
Best 100 bucks I’ve ever spent!

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Money jokes Stupid Jokes

I’m sick of everyone calling me lazy, so I’ve decided I’m going to commit suicide.
I’ve hired a hit-man for the job.

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes

I’ve just got first place in a national bullshitting competition.
Well, I actually came 12th.
To be honest, there wasn’t even a competition.

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Nationality Jokes Stupid Jokes

I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, “Dad, I need a shiт.”
“Go and have one then,” I said. “That’s the beauty of camping, you can shiт anywhere you want and you can’t get into trouble.”
He walked off and came back a few minutes later.
“Where did you have one?” I asked.
He said, “In your car.”

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Dad Jokes Stupid Jokes

Every day, man is making вiggеr and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making вiggеr and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes

Alas, the addition of lye and salt (“Surströmming”) to the lutefisk didn’t prevent it from spoiling and Ollie, Sven and Lars tragically die eating bad Lutefisk and drinking too much Scandinavian aquavit. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. …
…
God says, “There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It’s very serious up there. I’ll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh, you go to hеll.” …
…
So they start walking and reach the first 1,000th step. God tells a hilarious joke, Lars laughs out loud and whoosh! goes straight to hеll. Ollie and Sven look at each other nervously. …
….
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and whoooosh! goes to straight to hеll…
…
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn’t laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, Ollie bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, “What are you laughing about?”.
Ollie replies, “Oh dot’s funny. I yust got da furst yoke!”.

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God Jokes Stupid Jokes

News - “World’s oldest man dies”
Why does this keep happening?!

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

Staggering through town late last night, when I came across a group of women out celebrating.
I shouted the usual for a laugh, “Show me your тiтs, girls!”
To my surprise all of them obliged giving me a quick flash before replying back, “Show us your nuts, handsome!”
So, I started licking the lamp post and waving my arms about.

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Jokes about Women Stupid Jokes Boob Jokes

I saw a woman walking alone in the street last night so I stopped beside her.
I said, “Can I give you a lift home?”
“No thanks, I’d rather walk” she replied.
“Is it because I’m a stranger?” I asked.
She said, “No, it’s because you’re on a Segway.”

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Jokes about Women Stupid Jokes

I didn’t realise how good I am on the phone until I found out my call to customer service may be used for training purposes.

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Stupid Jokes

Crazy USA Laws …
…
Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina) …
…
In Quitman, Georgia, Chickens are not allowed to cross the road … (Well there go a thousand jokes!) …
…
Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio) …
…
If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison. (Arizona)
You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island)
In Texas, it’s illegal to sell your eyeballs.
It’s against the law to sing off-key in North Carolina.
In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they’re moose hunting.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes USA Jokes Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes