Stupid Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

A security guard stopped me as I walked out of the supermarket today.
“Can you open the jacket for me please, sir?” he asked.
“Sure,” I replied, unbuttoning it all the way down, “There you go.”
He said, “Thanks, but I meant yours.”

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Stupid Jokes

This new sundial I bought is useless.
It doesn’t say whether it’s AM or PM.

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Stupid Jokes

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”
I said, “Who the fсuк was that? Stop the car, son.”

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Stupid Jokes

Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says

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Stupid Jokes

“Can I help you?” asked the shop assistant.
“I’m okay,” I replied. “Just looking.”
“I’ll have to ask you to leave then,” she said.
“Why?” I asked. “I’m not doing any harm.”
“Just get the fuск out!” She snapped, pulling up her knickers. “These are the staff toilets!”

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Stupid Jokes

As I walked into a restaurant last night the manager stopped me and said, “I’m really sorry sir, but we have no seats available.”
“Oh right.” I sighed, “Do you mind if I just use your toilet?”
“Not at all.” he replied.
I said, “Great, I’ll have the mixed grill then please.”

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Stupid Jokes

Can’t tell right from wrong anymore.
Stupid names for twins anyway.

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Stupid Jokes

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fuскing shoe.

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Stupid Jokes

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

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Stupid Jokes

I went fishing at the weekend and there was a bloke splashing around and screaming “I can’t swim” I can’t swim”
“It’s alright mate” I shouted pointing at the nearby sign “It says no swimming anyway”

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Stupid Jokes

Ollie takes Lena to a downtown Minneapolis department store. Lena steps up to the clerk in the department store and says, “Can I try on dat dress in da vindow?”
The clerk responds, “We would really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room.”

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Stupid Jokes

$10 says some idiот is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

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Stupid Jokes

I went rabbit shooting this morning.
The owner of the pet shop went fuскing mental.

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Stupid Jokes

I went into a pet shop today and said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

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Stupid Jokes

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

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Stupid Jokes

Ollie’s neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, “Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I’m Norvegian?” …
….
“No,” said Sven, “It’s because you’re NINETEEN.”

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Stupid Jokes

My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”
I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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Stupid Jokes

These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are вullshiт.
They take just as much effort to sсrеw in as the ordinary ones.

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Stupid Jokes

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier, “Can you do this any cheaper?”
“I’m afraid not,” she replied, “If we did it for you then we’d have to do it for everybody.”
I said, “Yeah, but it’s got today’s date on it. If nobody buys it then it’s just going to get thrown away.”
“Look sir, you’re holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?”

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Stupid Jokes

My girlfriend told me that I’m really shiт at thinking of comebacks.
To which I replied “Haha, nice one.”

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Stupid Jokes