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Stupid Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

I went into a pet shop today and said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

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Stupid Jokes

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

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Stupid Jokes

Ollie’s neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, “Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I’m Norvegian?” …
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“No,” said Sven, “It’s because you’re NINETEEN.”

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Stupid Jokes

My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”
I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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Stupid Jokes

These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are вullshiт.
They take just as much effort to sсrеw in as the ordinary ones.

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Stupid Jokes

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, I said to the cashier, “Can you do this any cheaper?”
“I’m afraid not,” she replied, “If we did it for you then we’d have to do it for everybody.”
I said, “Yeah, but it’s got today’s date on it. If nobody buys it then it’s just going to get thrown away.”
“Look sir, you’re holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?”

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Stupid Jokes

My girlfriend told me that I’m really shiт at thinking of comebacks.
To which I replied “Haha, nice one.”

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Stupid Jokes

My mate asked me for directions today.
“Do a right at that lamppost over there,”I said pointing, “Then walk down about 100 yards, chuck a quick left, then it should be on your right.”
He said, “You’ve totally lost me.”
“Well, I’m not explaining it again,” I said, putting the phone down.

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Stupid Jokes

I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”

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Stupid Jokes

I don’t understand why scientists say that the dinosaurs died because a meteor hit the earth.
Everyone knows it’s because Noah couldn’t fit them on the arc.

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Stupid Jokes

Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?

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Stupid Jokes

Sven answers the phone at 3 AM. Wrong number, so the caller apologizes. …
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“Dot’s OK,” says Sven. “I had to get up to answer da phone anyway.”

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Stupid Jokes

Ollie was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven says, “Ya know Ollie, you and Lena should really get some new curtains.” …
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“Vy’s dat?” Ollie asks. …
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“Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know…”
Ollie thought for awhile, then said, “Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn’t even home last night!”

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Stupid Jokes

Don’t worry if your homing рigеоn doesn’t come home. You Havn’t lost a homing рigеоn- just a рigеоn!

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Stupid Jokes

Fool people into thinking you’ve been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities.

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Stupid Jokes

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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Stupid Jokes

After watching a few zombie films I’ve come to the conclusion that I would be a cameraman in the event of a zombie-apocalypse.
They never seem to attack them.

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Stupid Jokes

Just before “Last Call,” I asked Vanessa, the barkeep, for a glass of water with ice.
Once she served me, I asked her:
“What did you use to make the ice cubes?”
Vanessa:
“Water.”
Me:
“Fresh?”
Vanessa:
“No, frozen.”
Me:
“Oh for fсuк’s sake. Everyone knows fresh ingredients are superior to frozen.”

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Stupid Jokes

The Line Painter …
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Sven was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. …
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On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile.
Finally, his boss asked him why he was doing less each day. Sven replied, “It takes me longer and longer to get back to da paint bucket each day.”

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Stupid Jokes

To do list-
(1). Go to pet store.
(2). Buy bird seeds.
(3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow.
(4). Wait for the reaction.

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Stupid Jokes