Stupid Jokes

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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth” … I choose dare, your honor

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Stupid Jokes

Sven and Ollie bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, “I thought you had the keys.” …
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Ollie says, “You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys.” …
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“Well,” says Sven, “It doesn’t much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it.”
Ollie says, “I don’t know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down.”

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Stupid Jokes

The British Law states that it is legal to own a firearm at the age of 17.
However it is illegal to purchase fireworks if you are below the age of 18.
This means you can shoot somebody , but have to wait a year before you can frighten the shiт out of a cat!

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Stupid Jokes

I was doing my lottery tickets on Saturday, and thought I’d steal the pen.
“Get that out of your pocket!” said the shop keeper as I went to walk out.
“How the fuск did you notice?” I asked.
“The stand trailing behind you kind of gave you away,” he replied.

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Stupid Jokes

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.

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Stupid Jokes

I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, “I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks.”
She wasn’t wearing any socks. Sтuрid вiтсh.

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Stupid Jokes

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

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Stupid Jokes

Kentucky has entered the revenue raising race with its own $5 Million Dollar State Lottery. ….
….
The winner gets $5 a year for a million years.

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Stupid Jokes

My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.

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Stupid Jokes

Why is the giraffe’s neck so long? ….
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Because its head is so far from its shoulders.

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Stupid Jokes

The wife just asked, “What’s that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?”
I said, “It’s a dead Jedi.”

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Stupid Jokes

A 3d-printer that can make guns?
Pffft, that’s nothing!
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

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Stupid Jokes

What’s the heaviest thing in the world? ….
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Crap - Even an elephant can’t hold it.

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Stupid Jokes

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for in case of such emergencies.

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Stupid Jokes

I went to the ATM this morning and it said “insufficient funds”.
I’m wondering, is it them or me?

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Stupid Jokes

Went to the Opticians the other day. He said ‘what seems to be the problem?’.
I said ‘I can’t see very far’. He took me outside and pointed at the sky and said ‘what’s that?’ I said ‘The Sun’
He replied ‘how far do you wanna fuскing see’

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Stupid Jokes

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, “Where’s the ladies mate?”
He said, “Just around the corner, on your left.”
30 seconds later I went back and said, “They must’ve gone mate, there’s only toilets around there.”

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Stupid Jokes

I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, “Sorry but I forgot what room I’m in.”
“No problem Sir, this is called the lobby.”

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Stupid Jokes Hotel Jokes

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuск myself.

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Stupid Jokes

I took a photo of a mouse today.
He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it.

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Stupid Jokes