Stupid Jokes

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“Seriously, you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked this girl in a nightclub. “What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to fuскing happen, they died 6 years ago!” I snapped.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
“Of course I fuскing am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”

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Stupid Jokes

I just threw a frying pan for my dog, but he wouldn’t fetch.
Then I realised. It’s non-stick.

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Stupid Jokes

If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to 10.
Unless of course you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.

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Stupid Jokes

I’ve gone and got my head stuck in a vase, after trying to retrieve an M+M from the bottom of it using just my teeth.
I’ve told my son to call the fire brigade for help, but he can’t remember the number.
I honestly don’t know where that thick сunт gets his brains from, sometimes.

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Stupid Jokes

Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

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Stupid Jokes

I was at a nightclub and standing by the door.
The Bouncer came over and said, “You have to move you’re blocking the fire exit,”
As though if there was a fire I wasn’t going to run.

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Stupid Jokes

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11? …
…
One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!

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Stupid Jokes

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies ?

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Stupid Jokes

I dropped my cactus the other day.
Worst part is, I caught it.

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Stupid Jokes

I saw a black lad with his jeans hanging round his аrsе so his boxers were showing.
“Pull your pants up you scruffy сunт,” I said.
“I was just about to,” he replied, turning round. “Now get the fuск out of my changing room.”

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Stupid Jokes

I’ve just bought myself a hyena.
Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

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Stupid Jokes

A heavily muscled skinhead just saw me chatting up his girlfriend and has now told me to go outside so we can have words.
I can’t believe my luck- words definitely aren’t his strong point.

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Stupid Jokes

I phoned my local Indian for a delivery last night.
10 minutes later I called them back and said, “I know it’s a pain in the аrsе, but could I possibly change what I’ve just ordered?”
He said, “Yeah sure, what would you like?”
“Dominos.”

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Stupid Jokes

I finally stopped caring what other people think.
I hope everyone’s ok with that.

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Stupid Jokes

I feel that not enough praise is given to the body for knowing when and when not to shiт when I sit on the toilet or a chair.

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Stupid Jokes

I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today.
Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.
She walked straight up to me and said, “You’re just pretending to be on the phone, aren’t you?”
“Hold on a moment,” I said to my pretend caller. “No, I’m not. What makes you think that I’m pretending?”
“You’ve got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip.”

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Stupid Jokes

I approached a girl in a nightclub.
Me: Has anyone ever told you you look like Angelina Jolie?
Her: No.
Me: It’s because you don’t.

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Stupid Jokes

Ollie and Sven were vacationing in Sven’s new camper. As usual, they’d become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes. …. …
…
Ollie: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven? …
…
Sven: Dat sign dere says, “Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High.” Dis here camper is t’irteen feet!
Ollie: Cripes almighty Sven, dey ain’t no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

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Stupid Jokes

I finally went to the Emergency Room this morning at 2AM.
“Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”

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Stupid Jokes

I need a hallmark card that says “Sorry for the things I’ve said about your girlfriend
I didn’t know you were gonna get back together again”

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Stupid Jokes