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Stupid Jokes

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Whoever put “Too Cool to Do Drugs” on a pencil is a spastic.
Every time you sharpen it, it changes to “Cool to Do Drugs”, then “Do Drugs” and eventually “Drugs”.
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Stupid Jokes
My girlfriend told me to grow up and find a job.
I told her to get the fсuк out of my tree house.
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Stupid Jokes
I got a large Domino’s pizza delivered to the pub last night.
As I sat there with the box on the table in front of me the landlord came over and said, “You’ll have to take that out if you want to eat it.”
I said, “I know mate, I’m not going to chew it through the cardboard.”
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My mates are all calling me lazy because I hired a golf cart.
Well, they can just keep walking back and forward to the dart board.
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I considered suicide until I found out it is actually illegal.
I don’t want to go to jail.
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Door Prize Toilet Brush Объявление в туалете: "Пользуйтесь, пожалуйста, щеткой!". Надпис в тоалетна: Оголошення в туалеті: “Користуйтеся, будь ласка, щіткою!” Надпис в тоалетна: Anders tyckte att Ole:s toalett stol alltid var så nerskitad så han övertalade Ole att köpa en toalettborste. När det har gått några veckor, frågar Anders, - Hur har det gått med toalettborsten?... Runar och Vegar står och pratar: - Jag köpte en toalettborste igår, säger Runar. - Hur fungerar den? undra Vegard. - Nja, jag tycker nog det är bättre med papper... En gammal tant kom in på ICA och skulle lämna tillbaka en toalettborste. Personalen undrade såklart varför. -Jo, det var mycket skönare med toalettpapper! Fritzchen schenkt seiner Oma eine Klobürste zum Geburtstag. Als er sie einige Tage später wieder besucht, fehlt die Bürste auf der Toilette. Als er nachfragt, wo die Bürste sei, antwortet die Oma:... En terrorist från exotiskt land gick in i den västerländska butiken och ville lämna tillbaka en toalettborste. Terroristen förklarade: – Vad ska jag med en toalettborste till? Det är ju mycket... Blondi käveli kauppaan, meni tiskille ja nosti wc-harjan tiskille ja sanoi: Palautan tämän harjan, koska en pitänyt siitä.... mielestäni wc-paperia oli paljon mukavampi käyttää. En norrman till en annan: – Vad tycker du om den nya toalettborsten jag har köpt? – Den är bra men jag föredrar toalettpappret! Miksi blondi palautti vessaharjan kauppaan? – Hänestä oli kuitenkin kivempi käyttää vessapaperia. Tiganu' catre cumatru' sau: - Sa vezi, mancati-as, a cumparat nevasta-mea o perie de WC! - Si cum e? - Merge, da' ziaru' era mai bun ! Potkají dva kámoši na ulici a první říka: "Tak jsem si konečně koupil novou záchodovou štětku!" "No a jaká je?" ptá se ten druhý. "Musím říct, že toaletní papír je lepší." Blondi palautti kauppaan viikko sitten ostamansa WC-harjan. - Kyllä paperi on silti mukavempaa. Den unge blondine havde købt en toiletbørste i en forretning, men næste dag Kom hun igen og ville levere børsten tilbage ! - Er der noget i vejen med den ? spurgte ekspeditricen. - Næh, egentlig... - Jag hörde att du köpte en toalettborste igår. - Ja det gjorde jag. - Vad tyckte du om den? - Nja jag tycker nog att papper är bättre... Maja köpte en toalettborste i affären. Nästa dag kom hon tillbaka och sa: - Fröken, jag skulle vilja lämna tillbaka den här borsten. - Är det något fel på den undrade expediten. - Nej, inte direkt.... Den første: - Jeg kjøpte meg en dobørste i går. Den andre: - Hvordan virket den? Den første: - Jeg synes dopapir var bedre! - Vettünk egy vécékefét. - Na, és milyen? - A papír jobb volt. Se introduce canalizarea într-un cartier de ţigani. Ilie îi povestea cumătrului său: - Piranda mea a luat şi perie la WC! - Şi cum e? - Merge, da' ziarul era mai bun Doua blonde stau de vorba: - Fata, mi-am luat si eu o perie de WC. - Si Cum e? - Tot hartia igienica e mai buna. Se canalizeaza un cartier de tigani. Bulibasa din acest cartier vorbeste cu alt bulibasa, din alt cartier, necanalizat: - Cum e acuma, mancat'as ? - Aaa, e mult mai bine ! Avem apa calda, baie,... Říká policista kolegovi: „Včera jsem si koupil záchodovou štětku.” „No a jaká je?” „Mám-li říct pravdu, toaletní papír je lepší!”
I bought a toilet brush five days ago. Long story short…
I’m going back to toilet paper.
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Why were the Star Wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8? …
It was the cylinder firing order of the V-8 in George Lucas’ Lexus.
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Ollie and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. “Have you eaten your banana yet?” Ollie asked excitedly. …
….
….
“No,” replied Lars.
“Vell don’t touch it den,” Ollie exclaimed. “I yust took vun bite and vent blind!”
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Stupid Jokes
I went to the the local library for a book, I asked the lady for a book on Рsyсhо the Rарisт, she said, i think its pronounced Psychotherapist.
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Stupid Jokes
I went to give my boss a high 5 today during a meeting, but he swerved it..
So I turned it into a handstand to avoid looking sтuрid.
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My girlfriend said that I’m too immature for her.
I said “If I’m immature, how come I’ve got an Arsfor?”
She said “What’s an Arsfor?”
“Shiттing.” I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.
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Stupid Jokes
My phone battery is on 1 percent.
I like to live on the
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Stupid Jokes
I hear that NASA is planning a trip to the sun to determine why there is so much sunspot activity.
Because of the heat, the astronauts will only travel at night.
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Simply grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a child travelling with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
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Once a month my girlfriend gets aggressive, violent, moody and just doesn’t seem the same person, this morning I woke up to blood all over our bed sheets…
I think she might be a Werewolf.
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Just watched a film about Jack the Ripper.
It wasn’t the light-hearted fаrт comedy I’d expected.
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I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses.”
I thought that didn’t sound right so I tried again;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese.”
Nope, that still didn’t sound right;
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi.”
Ahh fuск it I thought,
“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.
P. S. Send me another one.”
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Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.
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Stupid Jokes
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?”
Well, swimming, I suppose.
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As I stood smoking outside the pub last night, some random bloke walked up to me and said, “Have you got a cigarette?”
“Yes.” I replied.
After a few seconds he looked at me and said, “Well, where is it then?”
I said, “Between my fсuкing fingers, you blind тwат.”
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