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Gross jokes, Disgusting jokes

Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.
The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."

What does it look like when you microwave a baby?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one and asked,
"How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"
Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered, "It's natural."
The guy walked by the second girl and asked,
"How'd you get such pretty brown hair?"
Fluffing her hair, the second girl said,
"It's natural."
Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked,
"How'd you get such cool green hair?"
Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said,
"It's natural."

Another name for a vagina is a cockpit

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies.
As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick.
Curious, he asks:
"What are you doing?"
The guy replies:
"I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot."
Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall.
He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf.
Curious, he asks:
"What are you doing?"
The guy replies:
"I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf."
Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall.
He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him.
This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth.
Again, curious he asks:
"What are you doing?"
The guy replies:
"I'm fucking nuts!"

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
When you take sausage out of the fridge it doesn't fart.

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children’s playground!

Why were the people in the twin towers sad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

My wifes dancing is terrible, she has two left feet. I should never have married a woman from Chernobyl.

What’s the hardest part about being a paedophile?
Trying to fit in.

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