; ; ; I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed… … ,,, …. While using my phone’s flashlight ; ;

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Bad Habits Jokes

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed… …
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…. While using my phone’s flashlight

A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her.
Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly.
“I’m sorry,” the drunk stammers. “I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole,” screams the woman.
“That’s funny,” he mutters back. “You sound like her, too.”

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you” I said, “This isn’t our house anymore.”

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her ‘What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of “pensi”?’
It was as she pulled my trousers down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

I put a thousand pounds on a horse.
The fucking thing collapsed.

Mothers everywhere: Do not be mystified by the mysterious substance that forms a dry crust on your teen’s socks and stiffness on his bedsheets and pajamas.
It poses no danger unless you accidentally get it too close to your hoo-hah.
It’s called pornstarch and washes down the drain on the first spin cycle.

Breakfast - - - The Most Important Cigarette of the day

Every cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I should have died in 1879.

My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’
She could be right… I’m an only child.

Cocaine…… Because its cheaper than sniffing petrol

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