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Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenlyclaims it's a MAC. Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week. Wооdy Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns ona daughter card. NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away. Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities. Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information. Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right. Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremelyslow while searching and compiling results. Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything. Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs. Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup. Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files. Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it. David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was inand never works again. Рее Wee Herman virus: Exposes yourconfidential files to everyone. X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting. Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. $ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However... $ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. $$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding thecommands.The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with abackground picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shippedwith a Daisy Duke screen saver.Also note: Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.Other features: Instead of an error message you geta winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right cancel = hail no reset = awa shoot yes = shore no = Naaaa find = hunt-fer it go to = over yonder back = back yonder help = hep me out here stop = ternit off start = crank it up settings = sittins programs = stuff that does stuff documents = stuff I done done Also note that winders 98 does notrecognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive towinders 98: tiperiter................A word processor colering book............a graphics program addin mershene...........calculator scratch paper ...........notepad jupe-box ................CD Player inner-net................Microsoft Explorer pichers..................A graphics viewer IRS......................M/S accounting software IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files сооn dog.................American kennel club records fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records. NRA......................National Rifle Association shot gun ................Remington Arms price list riffel...................Winchester price list pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code car .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file tax records..............usually an empty file shells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n' truck Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code doc .....................veterinarians by zip code We regret any inconvenience it mayhave caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoftfor a replacement version.