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Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sеx life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sеx.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 31st) morning from Stapleford Abbots and will fly to Sandbanks where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then, we’ll do a flight along the coast and flying home to Stapleford Abbots in time for dinner.
If interested please pm me..
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

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Banker Jokes

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop:
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 francs.
In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 francs.
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 francs.
Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 francs.
This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said. "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."
In response, the old lady веnт forward conspiratorially and muttered. "Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter."

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Jokes

A successful London banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 999.
The police were there in a couple of minutes. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.
After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!"
"How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the bus hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror.
"Вlооdy Неll!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?"

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Money jokes Banker Jokes

My friend:
- What do you call those things you вlоw and make a wish?
- Breath-analyzer

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Jokes

A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor:
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad." Gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late, i had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present"."
Not to worry." Said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced. "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
It's nothing." Said the father. "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said. "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said. "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
The three kids gasp and said. "You mean we're ваsтаrds."
Yep." Said the dad. "And cheap ones too."

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Parent Jokes Lawyer Jokes Boss Jokes

A guy is walking the sтriр in Vegas when a fantastic looking hоокеr catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do
you charge?"
The hоокеr replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy сrар, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hоокеr says, "You see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hоокеr, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hеll? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a вlоw job is $1000."
The hоокеr says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a вlоw job!"
The hоокеr replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two
casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give вlоw jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some рussy?"
The hоокеr says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
"Dамn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hоокеr says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a рussy."

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Money jokes Dirty jokes

Trumpkin
Orange on the outside,
Hollow on the inside
and should be thrown out in November

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Donald Trump Jokes American Presidents Humor

A friend opened a new sтriр club called THE G-SPOT.
After a week, he's had to close it as most men couldn't find it

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Dirty jokes

I asked the butcher for some tripe.
He's given me a box set of Love Island.

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Jokes

Apparently women are more likely to give circumcised men вlоw-jobs rather than uncircumcised, i guess they can't resist anything with 20% off!

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Jokes

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said,
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy shiт ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

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Jokes

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $700 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $600 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"
"Speaking," said the farmer.

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Office and Work Jokes

"The formal wedding between two boxers was a black eye affair."

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One-Liner Jokes Cheating Jokes

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

At a parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
The inmate responded, "It's bec..."
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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Jokes

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

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One-Liner Jokes Boss Jokes

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Military Jokes

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their аss.
85% of women said that they thought that their аss was too big.
10% of women said that they thought that their аss was too small.
5% of women said that they would marry him again.

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Jokes about Women

1. Is it good if a vacuum really suскs?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fат chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is вrа singular and раnтiеs plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote controlwhen you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?I dunno, why do we?

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Christmas Jokes

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