Newest jokes - Page 1071

I went to see my Dentist to have a tooth pulled, but he was on holiday. The guy standing in for him refused to do it.
He said he was only filling in.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
To write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B. C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B. C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B. C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B. C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community

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Money jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

This Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox, nothing more. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, one Xbox.
You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together.
Which was fine... because I bought her an Xbox.

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Christmas Jokes

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
**’Hello?’**
**’Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?’**
**’No, Daddy.**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’**
**’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now..’**
Brief Pause.
**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**
**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**’I did it, Daddy.’**
**’And what happened, honey?’ **
‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
Ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser****And
Now she isn’t moving at all!’**
**’Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’**
**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window****And into
The swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water****Last week
To clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**’Swimming pool We dont have a swimming pool ? ………..**
**Is this 486-5731?’*
**No, I think you have the wrong number……..*

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

Anant called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Anant. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Anant said,
"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Anant said,
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

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God Jokes

A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something.
“That’s a huge fсuкеr you’ve got there father,” says the friend.
“Watch your language around a man of God,” replies the Priest.
A little embarrassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a “fсuкеr”.
The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the “fсuкеr”.
“I’ll clean the fсuкеr and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round.”
So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he’ll cook the “fсuкеr” for the Pope tonight.
The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, “I caught the fсuкеr!”
The Bishop cries, “I cleaned the fсuкеr!”
And the Cardinal continues, “I cooked the fсuкеr!”
The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, “You know, you сunтs are alright.”

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Religion jokes God Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

The Big Ваng Theory: God Spoke and ВАNG! it happened.

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God Jokes

My mom's real religious, dude. She's all, 'You gotta find Jesus.' I'm like, 'I know where Jesus is. He's in jail.'
'Cause when all my friends come out, they're like, 'Hey, I found Jesus.'

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Religion jokes God Jokes Friendship Jokes

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks,
"Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!"
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

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Jokes about Women God Jokes

*walking along the park with my friend*
Me:hey is that a RAINBOW?
Friend:nope. Its god throwing skittles in the air.
Me:0_0 GOD HATES SKITTLES!!!!!!!!

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God Jokes Friendship Jokes

If God made anything better than рussy he kept it for himself.

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God Jokes Dirty jokes

Why did God create women ?
To carry sемеn from the bedroom to the toilet.

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Sex Jokes

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

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Friendship Jokes

There’s a few men who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink… One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first вееr in one gulp… Then he turned to Bob and said, “Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week… I can’t believe it”… At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad, she’s cut some guys out all together”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Two elderly men were sunning themselves on a Miami Beach when they started a friendly conversation.
"I was able to move here to retire in Miami after my business burned to the ground," the one man said. "The insurance payment sure came in handy."
The other replied, "I'm here living from an insurance claim when my factory was flooded out."
The first man pondered for a few seconds and then asked,
"How do you start a flood?"

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

A guy coming out of the gym tells his friend; “I just lost 10 pounds!”
His friend says; “Turn around; I think I found them!”

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Friendship Jokes

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That's good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."

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Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

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Food Jokes

A grandmother took her granddaughter to get a soft drink at a fast food place. After both grandmother and granddaughter filled their cups, the granddaughter gets a stir stick and uses it for a straw.
Grandmother says,
"Why don't you get a big straw like grandma?"
Granddaughter replied, "Because my mouth is not as big as yours."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

There is a glass of water on the table.
Optimists think the water in the glass is half full.
Pessimists think the water in the glass is half empty.
Opportunists and Realists like me, drink the water in the glass, put it back on the table, and then leave.

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Food Jokes

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