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There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word - it’s “UP.” It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I’ll shut UP.
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A border patrol officer is patrolling the border between the United States and Canada one night when a man drives up on a motorcycle. The officer stops the man and asks, "What do you have in that backpack there?" The man replies,
"Sand."
"Sand?" the officer says puzzled, "Please open the bag sir." The man opens the bag and there is sand. "Alright, you may go on your way then, the officer said with a puzzled look.” The man then drives off into the darkness. The next week, the same man on his motorcycle drives up to the same station that he did before. He says that there is sand in the bag and, sure enough, there is. The man drives up on a motorcycle with sand in his bag every week for a couple of months. The officer starts to think, "This guy is trying to smuggle something and I am going to be the one that catches him." The next time the man drives up to the station, the officer says,
"I promise, I'm not going to arrest you. But just tell me. Are you trying to smuggle something or not?"
"Do you swear you won't take me in?" the man replies. "I promise," says the officer. "Well, I am ashamed to admit it but, I have been smuggling something," the man says. The officer asks curiously, "What have you been smuggling?" The man replies with a grin, "Motorcycles."
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1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a "massive internal fаrт."
2. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. "Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
3. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
5. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
Then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
6. And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
Out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"
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An indian man was walking down the road when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell to the ground. And ambulance was called and within minutes the ambulance arrived. The victim was taken into the ambulance and it sped off. In the ambulance the victim being a religious man started to repeat "hari om, hari hom, ari om"
The ambulance drove as fast as it could siren sounding and lights flashing. Finally it arrived! They took the victim down and pushed him to the door and rang the doorbell. A woman appeared and was shocked to see her husband on stretcher and inquired what happened. The medical officer explained what happened to her. She screamed," why didn't you take him to the hospital!?"
The medical officer explained, " we tried too but he kept repeating "hurry home hurry home hurry home'. So we took him right to his home.'
The wife was furious and exclaimed, "you idiот! He was praying our hindu prayer "hari om hari om!'
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