Newest jokes - Page 2453

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can"t afford a thing to eat." So the layer said,
"Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said,
"But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said,
"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The layer said,
"You"re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

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Lawyer Jokes

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
'Hows business?' asked the first.
'Rotten,' replied the other. 'Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyers hanging on to the bumper.'

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Lawyer Jokes

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiот who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
Equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Lawyer Jokes

“The author's lawyer defended her rights in the book case.”

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

At a party of professionals, a Doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The Doctor turned to a Lawyer acquaintance, and asked,
"How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"
"Simple," answered the Lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."
The next day, the Doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the Lawyer.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing nutrasweet?She thought it was diet coke. Submitted by CurtisEdited by Yisman

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?How can there be self-help groups?If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to кill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?Is there another word for synonym?Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?Or cat-flavored dog food?Why do they report power outages on TV?Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Did you know that lots of lawyers put copies of their JD degrees on their dashboards?That way they get to park in the spots reserved for the handicapped.

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Tickle Nhat Hahn: Have you met my pet snake "Karma"?
Swami Mahahaharaj: Why would you name a snake "Karma"?
Tickle Nhat Hahn: Because he used to be a lawyer.

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

“Did you hear about the doctor who was going from full time to part time? He was either losing his patients or getting a bit out of practice.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said,
"The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."The architect did not agree. He said,
"But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"-

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, вееr, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby. But let me give it a shot.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt.

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Yo Momma Jokes

One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were stuck on an island 100 miles away from civilization.
The only way to get home was to swim.
The brunette swam 50 miles before drowning.
The redhead swam 64 miles before getting attacked by a shark.
The blonde went 99 miles but got tried a swam back to the island.

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Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
She can't find her pencil and her тамроn is behind her ear.

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says,
"11:45." The blonde says,
"Really? That's so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer."

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

What do you call a skeleton in the closet?
The 1863 Blonde Hide-and-Seek champion!

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" The doctor said,
"I know your problem." The blonde asked,
"Is it bad, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said,
"Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said,
"Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two вiggеr moles.
Baby mole said,
"The only thing I smell is molasses."

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Animal Jokes

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