Newest jokes

And here’s another lesson in good manners: Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?
Really poor taste at funerals.

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stop playing constantly with the walkie-talkie, over.

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Husband:
“Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
Wife:
“Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”
“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems.
Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom!

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A guy loses his job, all his money has gone, all hope is lost and he’s walking miserably towards the dole line, wondering if there’s anybody who could help him. Suddenly there’s thunder and lightning and a scary, blood-covered demon appears in front of him.
He walks over to the man and in a rasping voice whispers in his ear, “I have heard your pleas. I’m ready to give you a million bucks. But you have to agree to give me your wife.”
“OK,” says the guy, “now where’s the catch?”

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

"If I’d known you were this poor, I’d never have married you."
"Don’t pretend I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that you’re everything I have?"

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Do I have to remove the cheating husband before I throw the ring in the volcano?

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Two women chat:
Does your fiancé have a stutter?
Yes, but no worries. Once we’re married, I’ll be the one doing the talking.

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Women have ovaries. Interestingly, they are the reason why they sometimes оvаry act.

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Why don’t women propose?
Because when they kneel down, men get all the wrong ideas.

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Women can be wonderfully satisfied with only 3.5 inches. No matter if it’s a Mastercard or a Visa.

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Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Caller, “I’m hearing you real bad.”
Me (without changing anything), “Better now?”
Caller, “Yes.”

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I clean five hours ahead before I have guests over, just to be able to say:
“Sorry it's usually not this messy.” In reality, I’m seeing the floor for the first time in months.

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Honey, do you find me very fат?
How do I put this, darling – I know four very fат people. And you’re two of them!

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“I’ve had enough of your constant demands. It's too much for me. I can't stand it anymore, it hurts!”
Fitness coach, “Come on man. It was just one push up.”

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Doctor to Mrs. Spew:
“Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”
Mrs. Spew shakes her head:
“No, only when she wants to say something.”

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My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital.
I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the - frankly very personal - examination.
When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul:
“Who the heck was that?”

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