Newest jokes - Page 510

An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit.
"Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking вееr when suddenly Bubba says:
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of вееr and says:
"Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A father took his eight year old daughter to work on "Take your kid to Work Day"
As they were walking around the office the girl started crying and getting very upset. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly and said:
"Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with".

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Kids Jokes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says:
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A blonde woman decides that she i s sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as sтuрid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

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Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet:
"when was the last time you had sеx?"
Вith a long pause the vet replies.
"1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Military Jokes

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts,
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

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Blonde Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Redhead Jokes Cheating Jokes

A man went to his lawyer and told him:
"My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man. "
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

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Judge and Court Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating:
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied:
"My wife's first husband."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Military Jokes

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks the bartender for a вееr, and one for the road.

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Beer Jokes

- Mom, for some time I've had a relationship with our neighbor, Bob.
- Bob, he could be your father...
- But, mom, age is only a number.
- Oh dear, that is not what i meant ...

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Jokes about Women

What do a tornado and a black person have in common?
It only takes one to ruin a good neighborhood.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

You know your f*cked when the Asian says, "shiт", during the test.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes School Jokes

Cop pulls over a man:
"Sir id like you to take this breathalyzer test"
Man: " I cant, i have asthma i might have an attack "
Cop: " then i need to take a blood sample "
Man: " No sir, im a hemophiliac, i might bleed to death "
Cop: " Ok, ill need a рее sample "
Man: " I cant do that either officer, im a diabetic, i might get low blood sugar "
Cop: " Fine, just walk this line "
Man: " I cant "
Cop: " Why? "
Man: " Cause im drunк "

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Insult Jokes Men jokes

There's a fаggот between Y and I on your keyboard... look!

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Dirty jokes

Yo momma's so poor, I asked her where the facilities were and she replied, "Pick a corner, any corner. "

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Yo Momma Jokes

Yo momma's so poor, I visited her house, tore down the cob webs, and she screamed, "Who's tearing down the drapes! "

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Yo Momma Jokes

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