Latest Jokes

You Know You Are Out of College When:

- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
- You have to pay your own credit card bill.

- Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
- "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
- "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

- Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

- You go to parties that police don't raid.
- You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down.

- You refer to college students as kids.
- You feed your dog science diet instead of taco веll.
- Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father"
- "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually:
"Good morning, Father,"
"Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
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Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being sсrеwеd by a lawyer
Worth Every Penny De bazin van een bordeel in het Brusselse opent de deur en voor haar staat een elegante man van middelbare leeftijd : "En, hoe kan ik u van dienst zijn?", vraagt zij. "Ik wil Nathalie zien,"... O sujeito todo maltrapilho bate à porta de um dos mais caros bordéis do Rio. — Pois não? — pergunta a cafetina. — Eu queria falar com a Natasha. — A Natasha? Ela cobra mil reais por hora! — Então... Tompa stiger försynt in på en bordell i Köpenhamn och säger till bordellmamman att han vill träffa svenskan Märta-Louise. – OK, men du ska veta att hon är vår dyraste flicka och tar 10 000 kronor... Η τσατσά άνοιξε την πόρτα τού οίκου ανοχής και αντίκρισε ένα ηλικιωμένο Εβραίο. Τα ρούχα του ήταν ατημέλητα και φαινόταν πεινασμένος και ταλαιπωρημένος. - Μπορώ να σας βοηθήσω; ρώτησε η τσατσά. -... Ανοίγει η μαντάμ την πόρτα του μπουρδέλου και βλέπει έναν καλοντυμένο άνδρα: - Τι θα θέλατε; - Θέλω να δω την Κορίνα. - Μα ξέρετε, η Κορίνα είναι από τα ακριβά μας κορίτσια. Ίσως είναι καλύτερα να...
Lawyer Jokes