Newest jokes - Page 717

Mother Teresa dies and of course goes directly to heaven. God greets her and asks her, "After you get familiar with this place, how about we have dinner together?"
"I would love to eat dinner with you!" Later that evening they meet up for dinner and she takes a seat at the dining room table. God is in the kitchen and starts preparing a very simple meal: one can of tuna fish and some crackers. Through some cracks in the floor, Mother Teresa looks down at Неll; she sees fire and red hot flames with hundreds of thousands of people, and they are dining on lobster, fine wine, chocolate cakes, steaks, pancakes, row after row of fine food. Mother Teresa can't help but ask, "God, look at how they're eating down there. Shouldn't we be dining even better than Неll? You are just serving canned tuna and crackers..." God says, "Well, I figure since it's just the two of us, why cook?"

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A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x.
The code is:
"Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes Phone jokes

My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."

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Dad Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.

So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING"

Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY"

No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, every day for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the farmer calls and says he’s taken care of the problem.

The sheriff is curious to see how. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words "SLOW: NUDIST COLONY"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Farmer Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jоск Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jоск said, "Sandy, I've only a short time to live, I'm on my death bed lad." Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, "Aye, that a' know old friend." Jоск turned to Sandy and said, "Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years." Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, "Aye Jоск, that I do." Jоск said, "ye are guid friend and when I've passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave." Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jоск. "Aye- aye Jоск I'll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first."

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Friendship Jokes Farmer Jokes

MARS MISSION
Russia 19 attempts.
USA 21 attempts.
India just 1 attempt and that's a success.
Now do you understand why India is the country with the highest population growth.....!!!!!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes USA Jokes Russian Jokes

Trump’s first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can’t do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don’t care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can’t do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can’t do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can’t have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi’ite gov’t of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can’t do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can’t do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they’re gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we’ll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump: What the hеll should I do???
CIA: *Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!*
God bless America!

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Political Jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes USA Jokes Friendship Jokes Russian Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!What do batteries run on?Are there any questions?I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

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Lawyer Jokes

If you see a lawyer riding a bicycle on the road, why don't you hit him with your car? It might be your bicycle.

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

2016: Well 2017, it’s almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my вееr.

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New year jokes Beer Jokes

My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending I’m Chinese.

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New year jokes

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub! I'm dwowning!

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Knock-knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot is caught in the door!

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Knock-knock jokes

I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

The FBI in America sent a photograph of a wanted criminal. The photo was in three poses - front face and two sideshots. They said: “We believe this criminal is in Ireland, keep a lookout for him.” Two weeks later the Irish police sent back a message to the FBI, with the photograph, which read: “We got the fella in the middle but we’re still looking for the other two!”

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Police Officer Jokes USA Jokes Criminal Jokes

A man was talking to his friend at the bar.
The friend said “Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?”
“No, I didn’t know that.” The man replied.
“So what color are your wife’s eyes?” asked the friend.
The man replied, “I’m too drunк to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out.”
So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife’s eyelid and exclaims, “Oh my God! Brown!”
Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, “How the hеll did you know I was here ?”

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women God Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes

George finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
“Can she cook like I can?” the distraught woman asked.
“Not on her best day.” George replied.
“Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?” she asked.
“No, she’s broke.”
“Well then, is it sеx?”
“Nope,… nobody does it like you, ваве.”
“Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can’t?”
“She can sue me for child support!”

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Cheating Jokes

Top 10 things that sound dirтy at Thanksgiving but aren't...

10. "Talk about a huge вrеаsтs!"

9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

8. "Don't play with your meat."

7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

5. "You still have a little bit on your сhin."

4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"

3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

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Thanksgiving Jokes

November 26, 2014 Old Age At Its Best Contributed by Glen Tilley Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for.?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her.?

'Well, one day she filed rаре charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

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Blonde Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Coffee Jokes

New phone app.
You know there is a lot of money to be made by developing a useful phone app.
With the fitness craze and everyone being weight conscious I put my brain cells to work on the project.
I want to announce the Newest phone app available for tracking progress in your fitness program. It is called the Personal Scale App. This is how it works. You program your I-phone or Droid with my new app. Place it on a hard surface like a tile floor and then stand on it. The phone will record your current weight and display it on the screen. My only problem is it only seems to work once.

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Fitness jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

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