Newest jokes - Page 858

How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out

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Fitness jokes

Your so dam fат that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.

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Fitness jokes

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house nакеd. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed nакеd and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nudе, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

Man:
"Wanna hear a joke about my реnis? Oh never mind, it's too long."
Woman:
"Want to hear a joke about my vаginа? Never mind, you'll never get it."

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Relationship Jokes

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.
This joke problably flew over peoples heads, but for some people it flew into their head

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Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

Chuck Norris was a kamikaze pilot. 12 times.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

One man's marriage has gotten a bit dull, so he asks a friend if he has any ideas on how to add some excitement back to the marriage.
"Well," his friend says, "you can always have an affair."
"I can't do that! I will always be faithful to her." the troubled man replies.
"If you convince her to let you do it, and then it won't be cheating."
The man agrees to give it a try. The next time his wife seems to be in a very good mood he shares the idea with her that a new partner would add excitement.
"Honey," his wife says, "that won't help our marriage.
Believe me, I already tried it."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes

My best friend ran away with my wife.
It's only been three days and I really miss him.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

What do you call a соw who plays an instrument? – A moosician.

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Animal Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

What do you call a singing laptop? – A Dell.

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Music and Musician Jokes

A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down"
The man says “I just found out my Niece is gаy.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky
The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says "I just found out my son is gаy."
The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?"
The man says “My wife does.”

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

O ne Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”

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Religion jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
“Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I’ll be darned; I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your аss !”

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Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Science jokes School Jokes

News: “Lab-grown penises ready for testing on men”
Now I’m no scientist but I can see a fundamental error here.

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Science jokes

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sеx with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.''

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Political Jokes Bill Clinton Jokes

What does Bill say to Hillary after sеx? – “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

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Political Jokes Bill Clinton Jokes

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to ваng some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes Boss Jokes

I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered:
“I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,” I said. “You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don’t you?”
She said, “Stansted.”
“Вliмеy,” I said, “he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night.”

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Masturbation jokes

What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes

Latest Jokes